Driving

When Ben and I were in college, we loved taking drives. Many of our early dates were on long drives in his truck with the radio blaring and the windows down. After getting a nail in his tire and getting it patched, Ben changed his tire and we went on a quick drive to test the tire.

With the cool wind blowing through the open windows, it felt just like the spring of 2003 when we first met. After our rain yesterday, the Pond is under a tiny bit of a cold front (85 degrees). I leaned into his shoulder as we both relaxed in the car. While exploring some old back roads on our way home, the worries of the day fell off his shoulders.

Later, we snuggled on the couch while I laid on his side, watching TV. The heat from his bare chest and belly nearly put me to sleep. I caught myself dozing several times. Even his mischievous tickle fits couldn't wake me up completely. It felt like when you first wake up after a long nap and you're awake, but still drowsy. There's a burning heaviness behind your eyelids and everything seems to ache.

After he fell asleep, I got on the computer and found myself looking at pictures of chihauhau puppies. Paula, Ben's mom, called the breeder who gave her the infamous Ace and she has a litter of 6 week old puppies. As excited as I am, I also feel bad. With just writing, I'm not pulling in tons of cash. I know that there's things Ben wants, and it feels almost as I'm leading the gilded life and expecting him to pay. I know I could handle the responsibility of cleaning, keeping the house fresh and feeding and playing with them, but could he? Is it fair to put the burden of vet bills and shots on him? Not to mention the attack on Petco that would happen. Ultimately, I always thought in the back of my warp twisted mind that I would get a job solely to support the puppies. Seeing those tiny puppies may be too much temptation. And it's not like we couldn't afford them now, but it's not fair to make Ben work so hard.

As much as I crave the tiny cold noses and paws pattering, I have no idea what to do. For men, it's like being offered a sports car but worried about the matienance and upkeep costs. You can feel yourself driving down the road, but all you can visualize is that your child needs braces.

I walked into our bedroom and peeked at Ben's sleepy face. And I knew that I just wanted to make him happy. So for now, until the puppies and I meet, I shall keep dreaming. Dreaming of driving down the road with blaring music and cool night air- with a puppy in my lap.