Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Clairvoyant and pigs

"Shut up," Ben said, munching on his popcorn and pretending to glare at me through narrowed eyes.

"I'm serious," I said, grinning proudly at my knowledge. "He's going to be outside. He's not in the house. Even though the windows are locked, he'll be outside."

"I'm serious, shut up," Ben said, punching me lightly in the leg.

It had been a wonderful evening. Slightly distressed over the new John Mayer cd, Ben had collasped on the floor prepared to sulk. After a few raspberries, he was sprinting away to his office. I made waffles for dinner (and they did not overflow. I have determined my waffles only overflow when Karen is over. Today they were perfect: light, fluffy and delicious. And I devoured every bite of mine. And some of Ben's. But that doesn't count because that's simply helping him finish.)

Induced into a sugar coma, we stumbled over to Barnes and Nobles and browsed. I picked up a few magazines I needed for research (no, not Cosmo or anything like that) and pulled out a gift certificate.

"We have a gift certificate!" Ben exclaimed, looking surprised.

"We've had one for several months. You told me I couldn't buy anything with it because you wanted that one expensive book." I reminded him.

"How much is it for? 100?"

"Fifty," I said, smiling at the cashier. The glue from the gift certificate stuck to my fingers. I squished them together nervously.

"I thought it was $100," Ben continued, as she handed me my bags.

"Nope, it was always $50," I said. I took two steps toward him, holding out my gluey hand.

"I'm going to get you! I'm going to stick this glue on your neck!"

Ben took off running, and I followed him through the doors into the parking lot outside. I caught up to him and brushed the glue on the tiny hairs on the back of his neck.

"Ewwww," he said. "That was uncalled for. You're going to get it for that."

After we got home, we settled in to watching House. Ben popped some popcorn, and set munching while I read the TiVo description.

"It says he is abducted by aliens," I said. " I bet there's just something wrong with his brain and he's hallucinating or something. Some kind of function will be off in his brain and it will cause the rectal bleeding and hallucinations."

Ben stared at me from the kitchen in horror. "Maybe I shouldn't watch it before bed."

"I should write for these shows," I boasted. "But then we'd have to move to California."

"Move over," Ben grunted, throwing my legs off so he could occupy most of the couch. He placed the hot popcorn bag next to my thighs and began watching the show. Throughout the show, I continued to make little comments which annoyed Ben greatly.

"Here they come!"

"Shut up!"

"He's going to be out in the yard. He's not outside. He's going to be draped over a tree limb or something."

"I'm serious, shut up."

"Well I've never seen it so I'm not spoiling anything."

"See now his leg is hurting again."

"SHUT UP!"

"They need to check the chip in his neck. There's really one there."

"I'm going to hurt you."

"He's going to give up because he thinks he can't do anything. Since Cutty's lying to him-"

"You're really annoying."

Despite my clairvoyant tendencies, I wasn't completely right. Only partially. Onto the pigs!

After the show, we saw a clip of baby pigs. I appropriately squealed and Ben made his famous pig noise. (It's uncanny. He sounds like a real pig.)

"Would you really want a pot bellied pig?" Ben asked, as he threw away his popcorn.

"Yes," I said confidently.

"Seriously?"

"Yes," I nodded empathetically. "I would name him Wilbur. He could sleep in the kitchen with the puppies and waddle around the house. They're very clean animals. We could tie a little cape to him and he could be Super pig. Or, if it's a girl, I'll put a little pink bow on her tail. I'd name her Charlotte then."

Ben looked very confused and gave me the Stare. The Stare is a bug-eyed look that is slightly fearful and full of awe all at the same time. His mouth twitches a bit as if he is going to smile but worries he shouldn't, because what if I really am that crazy? You can tell he doesn't know whether to commit me, ignore me or simply think I'm the most charming and enchanting creature he's ever laid eyes upon. I prefer to believe he chooses option C.

I sighed. "Wilbur is the pig in Charlotte's Web. Charlotte is the spider in Charlotte's web who keeps Wilbur from being slaughtered by writing words in her web. Wilbur talks to her all the time. In the end she dies, but her babies come and Wilbur takes care of them. And-"

"I remember now," Ben said, retreating quickly to the other room, where he was safe. As I continued my argument for a pot bellied pig, his eyes began to glaze over. I'll have to resume it later.

Honestly, what could be cuter than two white chihauhaus and a pot bellied pig like this one
http://www.ifi-us.com/images/Potbellied2.jpg running about? Absolutely nothing. I can't wait until it happens!