Ass-ault

Once again, we had the pleasure of playing with Bryan's puppy Hamlin this weekend. As soon as he pranced out of his carrier, he was ready to play. More hyper than a five-year-old after eating a super size candy bar, the darling dog chased me around the entire house. He wrapped his tiny teeth around my toes, trying to shake them as he growled. He dug at my inner thighs and nipped at the arch of my foot.

While laying on the floor, he propelled himself to bite my shirt and hang between my breasts. He bit at my hair and played tug of war with it. My brief relief was cooking dinner. He was so busy searching for crumbs and small smackerals he ignored my toes. As soon as my red feet hit the carpet again, his teeth were sunk into my big toe.

I was not going to give up. This dog was as big as my foot- how could he wear me out? Oh, how the mighty would fall. After football runs, literally running across the house, salsa steps and clinging to the counter with my feet straddled across the chair while the dog leaped to bite my legs, I gave up. I collapsed onto the floor face down. Hamlin the puppy pranced onto my legs and settled onto my butt.

"Oh good," I thought. "He's found a nice cushy spot and will settle down. He'll go to sleep now."

Hamlin circled my butt, sniffing enthusiastically. I ignored the sniffles and wuffles as he dug his nose in a particularly sensitive region. This went on for several minutes, and I was busy watching the television. Then, he suddenly clamped down on my right cheek and shook. I thought I was going to die.

"GAAAHH!!!" I screamed, getting up to my knees quickly. The searing pain from the clench of this dog's iron jaws was unreal. My arms flailed behind me, trying to get ahold of the squirming puppy who was tapdancing in excitement on my butt cheeks. This was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to him.

Once I'd gotten ahold of him, I tried to disengage his jaw. He clamped harder. I winced in pain and felt tears come to my eyes. I was too scared to roll over because I was worried I would crush him. So I resorted to the only thing I knew. I felt along his back and found his nubby little tail. I then poked him in the butt.

This offended him so deeply he released my butt to snap at my finger. I grabbed the tiny squirming mass in my hands and brought him around to my front. He was busy gnawing on my hand when I bopped him very lightly on the nose.

"No biting," I said. "No biting butts. Bad bad bad. How would you like it if I grabbed your butt?"

He stopped chewing and gave me an adorable look. I think he would have rather enjoyed if I bit his butt. I just sighed and stuck my finger back in his mouth, and he resumed his ever painful chewing. The adventure had worn him out so he finally fell asleep for a nap. By that point, my feet were red and looked like hamburger meat, my arms were scraped, my hands were scratched and my cheek had tiny dots where his snapping jaw had gotten me.

To my amazement, I still want dogs. What the hell is wrong with me?