Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Standoff

We stood there, me and my boys. Armed with leashes and a cell phone, I raised an eyebrow. They wouldn't be messing with me.

The contenders stared back, raising a lip slightly. Hair bristling on their backs, they took two cautious steps forward.

Arthur the dog paid no attention to the unfolding drama, while Ace the chihauhau leaped up into my arms shaking. Arthur continued to wuffle along the ground.

"Geez, this smells good," Arthur sniffed. "I wonder what type of pee this is? Deer perhaps? Maybe a raccoon? I know all the raccoons in this neighborhood though. This isn't their signature scent."

"Shut up, old man!" Ace panted excitedly. "We're going to die! The Marley brothers are staring at us! They're going to bite us and take away our bling! Oh God, hide the bling!" Ace tore his collar off in excitement and held it in his teeth, shaking.

I looked at the other dogs. They cocked their heads at me in confusion.

"A raccoon?" one asked. "That white thing shivering in the Human's arms is a raccoon? It doesn't look like a raccoon. Look at it's eyes."

"They're not raccoons, they're dogs." The other one corrected. "I don't know quite what we are to do with them however."

"Sniff their butts! Sniff their butts!" the first dog turned in a frenzy. "I looooovvveee sniffing butts. Especially raccoon butts!"

"Not raccoon," Arthur said thoughtfully. "Possum perhaps? Squirrel?"

"squirrel! The white things a squirrel!" the other cried. " An albino! We can sell him and make enough to buy that fancy doghouse at petco with the vibrating mat!"

"Hide me!" Ace squeaked, burying his head in my arm. "They want to eat me. I know all about squirrels. I try to eat them on a daily basis."

"No, we will be selling no one until we sniff butts," the second dog said confidently. "We shall all have a good sniff. Then we will decide what to do."

"Sniff, sniff, sniff!" the other dog began turning circles in the other day.

The second dog strolled up to Arthur and promptly stuck his nose in his butt. Arthur, unaware of the events, jumped.

"Excuse me!" he said, offended. "Do I know you?"

"Hello!" the second said, wagging his tail. "How are you?"

The first dog stuck his nose in the second dogs butt.

"Whoops." he put his head down. "That was the wrong sniff." He sniffed deeply anyway.

Ace continued to shake in his arms as Arthur began to stride away, offended.

"You sniffed me!" the second dog bellowed, raising his gums at the first dog. "I have already been sniffed today by your hoover nose! I did not need a second snot treatment. When you sniff, you blow snot all over my behind. It's disgusting."

"Well, if you had moved your wide tail I might have noticed it had been previously sniffed. It's hard to see around that big bushy thing."

"My tail is not fat!"
The two dogs began to growl at each other and pace, and we quickly moved on. I put Ace down on the ground, and he scampered ahead, looking behind cautiously.

"We told them who's boss," Ace pranced ahead, raising his head high. "Didn't we?"

Arthur was now sniffing a bush.

"You know, I'm sure this is a beaver," Arthur said, sniffing deeper into the bush. "Duck, perhaps?"