Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Noisy Cricket

I don't talk about work a lot on this blog. One reason is on the rare chance they would stumble across it and figure out it was me, I wouldn't want to have written anything I would regret. The other reason is because as interesting as I know I am, the Invisible Friends don't want to hear about it. They want to hear about butterflies and yard-roaming pigs. They want to hear about me embarrassing myself (like calling my boss short accidentally. Or the time I wrote a colleague an e-mail when I had introduced myself already and been talking to him for two days. He wrote back like he didn't know me. Then, I had my boss introduce me b/c I didn't realize two separate people were the same person. And they both laughed. Hard.) The Invisible Friends want to hear about the weird and crazy things I do ( like interviewing a curandera. That's right, look it up.)

So, I will give you one of your only work-related tales. This is the story of the Noisy Cricket.

In the breakroom at my Invisible Office, I have a little friend. There is a cat that roams the halls named Miss Kitty, but that is not my friend. She is very furry and makes me sneeze. Whenever she comes into my Invisible Office, everyone begins sneezing. The snot offends her, so she stays away.

My little friend is the Noisy Cricket. The Noisy Cricket is located somewhere in the breakroom. Since I don't sit still well, I take little walks every few hours. I walk through the breakroom, outside the office, around the parking lot, and come back in, circle the breakroom, and go back to my office.

The Noisy Cricket chirps up a storm during these times. He screeches his little heart out.

"Why are you back in here!" he scolds. "Can you not sit still? You're like the Water Cooler Ants. They don't sit still either. I'm trying to play my pretty music, and all you do is breeze in and out like it is unimportant. I AM NOT AMUSED!"

As the day goes on, the Noisy Cricket gets more and more annoyed. In my best estimate, the Noisy Cricket is old and crochety. He enjoys the early morning and late evening hours of solitude. He despises Tuesday and Thursdays because they are deadline days and people don't leave until late at night. But the one thing the Noisy Cricket hates more than anything in the world- is lunch.

As soon as the clock creeps toward in, people storm into the lunch room. Microwaves are roaring, the refridgerator is slamming, vending machines are whirring and everyone is speaking at a dull roar. The Water Cooler Ants are in a nervous frenzy on top of the water cooler. They run in circles, bumping into each other and hoarding the few crumbs they found.

"Oh my God, here comes another one!"

"Why won't they ever stop!"

"They're after our crumbs! They're going to steal our crumbs!"

"It took me all morning to get these crumbs!"

"They'll have to take them over my dead body! GRRRR!"

"You bloody idiots, they just want water!" the severely annoyed Noisy Cricket shouts. The Water Cooler Ants look confused.

"Oh. Right then. Back to work!"

Every day at lunch, much to the Noisy Cricket's dismay, a group of girls from advertising push several tables together. They laugh and talk loudly, sounding like squawking chickens. The Noisy Cricket does not like this at all. He starts chirping softly at first, as if he's being stern with them.

"Keep it down, please!"

As the girls grow louder, his chirps become louder and shorter. He is more insistent, and very much annoyed.

"I said keep it down! Are you deaf! I can't believe this!"

The noise continues to grow as a few men join the coversation. The Noisy Cricket is having an anxiety attack trying to shush the noise. The Water Cooler Ants are now giggling in hilarity of the situation, which only infuriates the cricket more. His back legs are scorching hot from rubbing them in fury.

"IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'M GOING TO SEND A HEARD OF COCHROACHES TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN! THAT'S RIGHT- COCKROACHES! AND DON'T THINK I'M KIDDING EITHER. I LISTEN TO YOUR BABBLE DAY AFTER DAY. IF I HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT UT ONE MORE TIME.....JUST SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! JUST SHUT UP!"

Suddenly, , lunchtime is over. The noise dies down and people return to their cubicles. The Noisy Cricket lies in hiding, exhausted.

"All quiet. Just how I like it."

Just then, a group of sales people walk through the door. "We'll have our meeting here," one says, pulling up a chair. The Noisy Cricket's eyes open wide and his jaw drops. Out of sheer disbelief, he faints.

And wakes up chirping.