The Blond Duck goes to a wedding.

You would have never guessed it, but I generally hate weddings.


We've been to a lot of weddings, and Ben's been a groomsmen in over half of them. We've seen fancy weddings, conservative weddings, casual weddings (ours) and weddings with brides that puts Star Jones to shame.

But we had never been to a wedding like this before.



Ben's buddy Greg (grey shirt) from college married a gorgeous small-town Texas girl named Kelli on Saturday. (I don't have a picture of her.) Both of these fine folks are from established families in the community. They also love to entertain and throw lavish events. So as we drove up to Killeen, Texas, I could only imagine what was in store for us.


Friday around noon, we left the Babies with Mom and hit the Interstate. We stopped in Austin to have lunch with my Dad. You can only guess what he treated us to.

I was so happy. I had barbecue smeared all over my face, my hands, meat jammed in my teeth...it was pure heaven. I'm still drooling.


After I was hosed down, we made it to the hotel. Greg's parents were kind enough to provide us not only with our hotel room but Ben's tux, so we hardly had to do anything. We just showed up. The hotel was buzzing about this wedding, which was the thing in town. It was so big that the reception was at the convention center. Six hundred had been invited and four hundred were attending.


I dug some more meat out of my teeth and grinned at the ladies. They weren't impressed.



When we got to our room, we found sussies.


Not only did we have a gift bag full of goodies, but we had a three page itinerary with a map and directions. I had never seen such an organized wedding in my life. We had once been at a wedding where the rehearsal dinner was pizza in the lobby with torn pizza boxes as plates.


After the rehearsal, we drove to the rehearsal dinner. It was a very elegant affair at a Italian restaurant. Waiters were serving champagne, toasts were given and salmon and steak were served.

I spent the night trying not to act like I'd fallen off the turnip truck. Most of the families there were very established, upscale (old money) families. They were very kind and generous. I was beyond intimidated.

To make myself more at ease, I tied a bow on Ben's head in the middle of dinner. I am nothing but classy.

We returned to the hotel after 11, where I immediately crashed into bed. Ben attended the bachelor party, whining that he was tired and would be back in an hour. Around 4 a.m., he came skipping in beaming about winning $75. I found out the next day all he had done was whine about wanting to go to bed as he kept winning hands. The other boys weren't so thrilled.



So while Ben wuffled about staying up all night, I scurried to the hotel gym. For two hours, I snarled at anyone who dared to enter.



Then I ate this. I couldn't let a perfectly good pie go to waste, could I? That's blasphemy. Don't worry, I had lunch first. Greg's parents (these were the most super-organized people I ever met) had catered sandwiches brought in a small suite for the groomsmen and their dates to hang out in until the wedding. There were chips, drinks, cookies, finger sandwiches....

The pie was all mine. I snarled at anyone who came near.

We were down in the lobby by three to get to the church for the 6 p.m. wedding. I made Ben take a picture.



While Ben did groomsmen things, I ran around and helped when I was needed. Then I sat down and chatted with one of the bridesmaid's mothers and the other rejected groomsmen's wives until the ceremony.



The ceremony was held in a old Methodist church. There were candles everywhere, lush bouquets of white flowers and satin ribbons at the edge of the pews. Everyone wore elegant jewels and their best clothing. The bride wore a gorgeous long white dress covered in sequins and elegant beading.

I found some more meat in my teeth. Ben waited until after the pictures were taken to yank his tie off.


The reception was even more gorgeous. The bride's colors were chocolate brown and light blue, so there were chocolate brown chairs and runners down the tables with these bouquets on the table. And candles. Lots of candles. We almost had a veil disaster when she got too close the the candles. We sat at the head table in front with the bride and groom (because we're special). Again, this was the most formal and elegant thing I'd ever been to. When dinner was served, waiters streamed out from black curtains at the front of the room and lined behind our chairs. At a signal, they served our plates with a flourish and streamed back into the kitchen to do the same thing for the other tables.

I tried not to knock anything over.


Then the evening was a whirlwind of dancing, toasts and laughter and conversation. The cutest thing were all the little girls at the wedding. They spent the night running around the dance floor. When the bride danced with her husband for the first time, they lined up at the edge of the floor and reached out with their fingers to feel her dress as she twirled by. They spent the rest of the night racing around the tile floor and tangoing with each other.

Ben said I couldn't go out there.

So this was, in fact, a wedding I didn't despise. It was elegant, the families were gracious and it was a lovely weekend away. In fact, we had a wonderful time.

Brides, need anyone to help with your wedding? I'm available.




You should probably re-think that. Ribs, anyone?