Saturday, January 05, 2008

Nerd Alert

After a fabulous dinner of Swiss Chicken and Spinach Squares and bread from the bread machine (that's right, the Blonde Duck went domestic!), Ben and I went on a little drive. After stopping at Fed-Ex and Office Max, we headed to one of my favorite spots on Earth--the ice cream store. Drooling in anticipation, I waited patiently in line. I love peanut butter ice cream.

Since the weather's back to 70 degrees, a winter standard in the Pond, the ice cream store had been bum rushed. There were pregnant wives sulking at tables while their husbands patiently retrieved their ever-changing order, young couples, high school couples, high school kids, exhausted parents with chirping babies and frat boys who looked like they'd rather be drunk. But standing in front of us were the real winners. They were Ben's favorite: the Ultra-Nerds.

Now, anyone who reads this has figured out I'm beyond nerdom. I'm just crazy. Ben is what you would affectionately call a nerd. My father was a nerd (he's got pocket protectors to prove it. Seriously.) Besides Libby, all my friends were nerds. Our dogs will probably be nerds. Our kids will probably be nerds unless they get some kind of rare cool gene. We're just a nerd kind of group.

But these people-- these people topped it all. They were Ultra-Nerds.

The Ultra-Nerds are like Nerds exposed to radiation. There were two boys and a girl. The creatures in front of us were drooling, giggling enormously tall and skinny specimens. One was singing along to "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" as it blared from the speakers without a shred of irony. The other began to sing along, pretending to perform with squelched up facial expressions and arms flinging wildly. The girl, wearing her hair twisted up and a Transiberian Orchestra t-shirt, made a face. Obviously, she was too cool for bothering to care about popular music or shampoo. The trio giggled, snorted and talked about Star Wars and computers and all sorts of Ultra- Nerd things.

Personally, I thought they were kind of cute. These were the kind of guys you'd want your sister to date because you knew the worst they would try was to re-wire her computer. They looked like the kind of guys you could talk to or trust to watch your dog. Grinning at their goofiness, I looked at Ben.

Ben was not amused. In fact, Ben looked horrified. It didn't help matters when a husky guy moved closely behind him with his girlfriend and began making out. By that point, Ben's eyeball looked like it was going to pop out of his face. I laughed my butt off.

"Has no one here in Texas heard of personal space?" he hissed, moving closer to me. He glared at the moron behind him. The guy looked like a football player who had one too many concussions. He just sat staring at the ice cream with his mouth gaped open and lower lip sticking out dumbly. "Then there's those three." He nodded to the nerds.

"I think they're cute," I giggled. One nerd began to wheeze as he laughed loudly and awkwardly. He sounded like an asthmatic donkey. "You know, you and John and Kurt acted the same way."

From the expression on Ben's face, you would have thought I had insulted his mother. He stared at me in shock and resentment. "We never acted like that!"

"You did so!" I countered. The nerds gave their orders. The girl behind the counter asked them how many tickets they needed.

"We did not act like that," Ben said frostily, his eyes boring into my skull.

"She's paying!" the two male nerds cried gleefully. They cackled as the girl handed cash to the girl behind the counter. Ben's mouth gaped open.

"Chivalry is dead," he muttered.

Outside, munching on our ice cream, Ben was still not amused.

"I can't believe this!" he fumed. "I had the lower 50% of America standing behind me with his mouth gaping open when he wasn't all over his girlfriend, then I had the super nerds in front of me who were squealing like girls!" Laughing so hard I bent over, I nearly spit out my ice cream when Ben screeched, "We did not act like that! We were so much cooler than that! These guys were using spoons to play lightsabers!"

"You and your friends used to talk about taking over the world and the type of government you would implement," I reminded him, smacking happily on my peanut butter ice cream. I love peanut butter ice cream.

"Yes, well"-- Ben stuttered. He narrowed his eyes and glared at me. "We were not like that! How dare you say that!"

"You guys would giggle like that," I countered.

"But these guys don't even know what a girl is!" Ben exploded. "They're scared of girls! They'll probably be 40 before they ever get a girlfriend! They're like ha ha ha ha ha boobies!"

I laughed so hard I almost choked on my ice cream. He still hasn't forgiven me for saying that. Such is the consequences when you have an encounter with the most elusive creature of all--the Ultra Nerds.

3 comments:

Mama K said...

I always thought that Ben was just too smart to get caught up in the "coolness contest". He was always his own man; thought jocks were stupid/insensitive boors and social climbers needed to be put out of their misery. And I suppose we all giggled and acted like dorks at some point in our lives but give me a sweet goofy sensitive nerd anyday. They have SO much potential.

The Blonde Duck said...

I know. It was just so much fun to tease him about the Ultra Nerds. If his eye could have popped out any farther, it would have been in California.

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