Sunday, July 15, 2007

Happy Birthday Mom!

Since I did a mushy post for Mom's birthday last year, I thought I would do a fun post for her birthday this year. I thought about giving you a fun story for year she was born, but then I figured she'd kill me for revealing her true age.

So dear Invisible Friends, here are the top ten fun stories for Mom's birthday. Happy Birthday Mom! I love you.

Always,

The Blonde Duck


Top Ten Birthday Stories
10) The most recent funny story occurred when I was getting married. We were trying on my wedding dress and my sister's bridesmaid dress when a putrid smell filled the room. While the small Mexican seamstress pinned my sister, wafts of sulfur infused methane wafted from my mother's direction. To make matters worse, my own bowels were protesting loudly and emitting squawks and exclamations from my bowels. Between the smell and the sounds, the poor seamstress lasted as long as she could before excusing herself from the room, where we burst into laughter. The funniest part? The room still smelled half an hour later when girls refused to go in there because they thought a baby had a dirty diaper.
9) My mother has a mole on her neck that is very soft and flexible. It's called the squishy mole. Our favorite thing to do was to reach around from the back of her car and squish her squishy mole and and watch her squirm. Her squeals and tortured expressions are the funniest thing in the world.
8) When we used to go swimming, Mom taught us how to fly. She'd squat down in the pool and we'd climb onto her leg. She'd place her hands under our armpits and send us flying through the air.
7) Apparently, Mom used to do Jane Fonda workouts when we were little. I tried to sabotage those workouts by clutching her legs and having her drag me around the living room. It gave new meaning to the term "weight lifting."
6) My mom used to make costumes for the plays in my pre-school and kindergarten. The principal, a nice elderly woman, told my mother that she "must have black in her" due to her love of sequins, rhinestones, feathers and bright colors. This would be like Laura Bush walking up to you and tell you that you're a pimp. It was that shocking.
5) Being a trekkie, nothing thrilled my mother more than lunch with a Ferangi. Well, until I got into a huge argument with a Klignon that ended in applause. It was her greatest joy.
4) Holidays were always wonderful. The entire house would be decorated elaborately from top to bottom, creating everything from a winter wonderland to a haunted mansion. Mom's greatest glee is hanging spiders that pop out from trees or tombstones that say, "I told you I was sick!"
3) During my birthday one year, I got a VCR. Ben pointed out that the price tag was still left on, and she gave him a look that could kill. Ever since--no gift has ever gotten open without her pointing out the price tag is not on it.
2) She taught us how to dance around the living room wildly and collapse into giggles on the floor.
1) Three words: Chicken Fried Steak. Oh my God.
Happy Birthday Mom! I love you!