Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Indignant Letter to Santa from Ace the Dog

Dear Santa,

I realize this is my second letter to you this season. While I appreciate you giving me the brother I asked for in my previous letter, especially before Christmas, I think there may have been a mistake in delivery. See, I asked for a brown Chihuahua puppy for a baby brother. What I received was some monstrous bumbling thing with paws the size of my head.

Mama K says he's going to get up to 100 lbs. This has to be some mistake. I wanted a brother I could dominate and boss around. I'm 7 lbs. He probably weighs that now, and he's a baby. This doesn't look good for my plans of puppy domination. So, if you get a chance, could you exchange the huge brown puppy for a Chihuahua? Preferably the runt? Thanks.

I also thought I'd take the opportunity to add a few more things to my list, if you don't mind. The first thing I'd like is for Ben and the Blonde Duck to come down. They haven't been here in awhile, and the rest of the family won't treat me in the manner that I deserve.

The Blonde Duck lets me sit in her lap during meals and feeds me scraps while she's eating. They won't do that. The Blonde Duck carries me from room to room in her arms like a newborn infant so my tired little feet never touch the ground. I'm lucky if they offer me a lap. The Blonde Duck takes me on walks, plays dozens of games of fetch and lets me sleep with her. They expect me to pick up my own toys! As you can see, it's imperative Ben and the Blonde Duck come down for Christmas.

Additionally, I'd also like to request the following items:

  • A catapult placed in front of my house so when people walk on the sidewalk, they're flung further down the street where I can't see them. It's exhausting to bark all day at them.

  • Several new birds and squirrels to chase when I'm let outside in the yard to do my business.

  • A time-freezing device that would let me chase squirrels for hours and Mama K would be none the wiser.

  • Steak every night.

  • New "babies" to chew on.

  • For the family to finally realize I dominate and control the Koerner household.

  • A trampoline. I'm not sure what it does, but it looks quite tasty.

Thank you so much, and Merry Christmas! I look forward to receiving all my requests. (After all, why wouldn't I?)


Ace the Dog