Monday, August 27, 2007

Princess dreams

As the Blonde Duck of the Pond, I've decided I want to be a princess.

Not just any princess mind you--Sleeping Beauty. Ever since I was four, I've had a huge fascination with Sleeping Beauty. When I was little, I had a little kitchen set that was essentially a big plastic cart with a fake stove and oven. Some of my happiest memories are playing with my kitchen and plethora of My Little Ponies scattered across the living room with Sleeping Beauty playing in the background. Even now, that DVD is the first thing I pop in to watch if I've had a bad day.

For some reason I don't understand, my husband actually buys into the idea I'm a princess. He has been blinded by my fairy godmother's spell and actually thinks I'm a delicate, elegant and dainty creature. While it's true I love to twirl about and talk to baby animals, I am not elegant. All anyone has to do is watch me eat to know that. However, I have several of the requirements necessary of anyone worthy to don a tiara:

1) Blond- Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood, the original Little Mermaid, the orginal Beauty (Hans Christian Anderson, people!)

2) Love of baby animals-- Snow White charmed birds. Sleeping Beauty enchanted tiny woodland creatures. Cinderella had her mice. I have puppies, baby birds and any stray creature fortunate enough to stumble along my path (bats included.)

3) Sweet- My mom and husband said it so it's not bragging.

4) Dainty- The nurse at the hospital in Waco called me dainty when I was sick and in crazy mode from being surrounded by the private school anorexics for too long, and I've never forgotten it. I'm dainty!

5) Compassion- Although I may have an acid tongue when it comes to certain political subjects, it's in my nature to try and rescue everyone. Dang it.

6) Generosity- I'm more generous with those I love and people I view to be kind than just "anyone." Unfortunately, a year in the world of media has taught me that some people I show generosity just take advantage of me and stab me in the back. But of course, a real princess would not dwell on such things.

7) Class- You never see Cinderella on a reality T.V. show screaming how Prince Charming cheated on her with her transsexual step-sister. It's called class, people. Not trash.

8) Desire to make the world a better place- One of these days, I will have my singles table at a restaurant, a puppy farm and a way to inspire creativity in children.

9) Married or engagedto a prince- He thinks I'm royalty. He wins!

10) Loyalty- A princess should have loyalty to her family, her country and her duties as a princess. I have all three, although my duties as a princess are quite flexible depending on my mood (doing the dishes is not one of them.)

Princess qualities I do not have:

1) Singing- I sound worse than a cat being drug down the highway with his tail stuck in the car door.

2) Elegance- I can eat a 1/2 pound hamburger drenched in mayonnaise, barbecue sauce, grated cheddar cheese and plenty of grease in a minute and thirty seconds. And have you never seen me attempt to walk in any heel higher than a inch? Put a giraffe on stilts and you'll get the same impression.

3) A real title- It's real in my mind! I really have a castle somewhere, I promise.

4) Grace- It's not my fault that all my dancing consists of mindless wiggling.

5) Spoiled- Wait a minute....

Since I'm not spoiled or demanding in the very least, my darling mother has volunteered to make me a Sleeping Beauty costume like the one I had when I was four for Halloween! I am so excited! I'm going to wear it to work, on Halloween, on Easter, on be a princess, one must look the part, you see.

Until then, I will go about twirling my way around work and lifting my skirts as I climb the stairs, talking softly to the crickets and spiders I pass. A girl has to start somewhere to create her kingdom!