Monday, January 22, 2007

Arguing with Birds, part 2

The warm weather on Sunday had encouraged the birds to re-appear. They were not amused that the cold front had returned with a vengeance on Monday morning, and sat shivering and sniping at each other as I walked by.

"That is a bird!"

"It is not a bird!"

"It is so a bird. It's the leader of all the hawks!"

"Look at how big it's tail feathers are. It has to be a bird."

"You are dumber than a bug," their leader said in disgust. "It is not a bird."

"Ask the lady."

"Yes the lady will know."

"What will I know?" I asked, stopping to talk to them. The cold wind whipped around us, and the birds and I both squelched up our shoulders for warmth. The birds buried their heads in their wings, with only their loud beaks protruding.

"Is that a bird or is it a hawk?" one particularly naive bird asked me, eyeballing the wisps of hair blowing around my head. I narrowed my eyes at him as his friend smacked him.

"You dumb bird!" his friend scolded him. "A hawk is a bird!"

"But it's a special bird," the bird countered, still watching my head. "Are those golden worms growing out of your scalp?"

"No, it's hair, and no you can't taste it," I answered before he could say anything else. He looked distressed. I looked around, but I could see no birds other than the ones sitting on the fence.

"I don't see another bird," I said. The birds sighed and shook their heads. "Duh, it's up there," one pointed with his beak. I turned to look at a plane flying in the sky.

"That's a plane!" I said. "That's not a bird!"

"Nuh-uh!" the unintelligent bird argued. "Planes are mechanical birds. It says so on that sign over there."

Their leader sighed heavily. "You idiot!" he cried. "That's just a comparison. A plane is a machine."

The birds looked at me for confirmation. I nodded. "This is worse than the french fry incident," the bird muttered. He flew off with the other birds following him. "Wait for me!" the dumb bird cried. "I want to say hi to the mechanical bird! Maybe he'll lead us down South!"

"You're going North!" I called after them. Cursing, they turned in their tracks and flew east, still arguing amongst each other. It doesn't pay to argue with birds.