Getting my Tulle panties in a Twist

I loved getting married. I love my husband. I despise, abhor and detest all things bridal. Bridal showers are enough to make me want to stab my eyes out. What is the source of all my rage, my Invisible Friends ask? Why must I have homicidal thoughts when any mention of bridal activities is brought up?

Well, Invisible Friends, it is something highly discussed in my book, The Reluctant Bride. I simply feel that the Wedding Industry, or Wedding Nazis in Wedding Land, as I like to call them, have simply created traditions in order to rake in millions of dollars.

"Blonde Duck, you're remiss," my Invisible Friends scoff, superior in their store of bridal knowledge. "That's like saying Hallmark created Mother's and Father's Day so you shouldn't buy them a gift."

Or is it now?

Invisible Friends, do you recall that child or friend that made your spine curl into your toes? The friend that blew every birthday into a four day celebration, every phone call into a psych session and every lunch into a discussion about them?

This is what bridal showers remind me of. For friends that are sweet, kind and humble- I have no problem lavishing attention on you. But it's these other girls that simply drive me mad. Between multiple showers, multiple lunches and multiple parties, it's enough to make me puke. Weddings have become an excuse for brides to harass their friends and family for a year. "If you don't do this for my wedding, you don't love me."

My rage does not stop there, Invisible Friends. Since when did it become classy to incorporate male genitalia into every aspect of the bachelorette party? Honestly, a blow up male doll or saucy Peter Pecker game amuses us all. Male body parts and condoms in a veil was tacky, but somewhat funny. But when I find myself drinking out of a certain type of straw and eating a cake shaped like a certain male appendage, I'm more confused than amused. Honestly, what piece do you ask for? "I'll just have a ball?" It simply sounds wrong. It's just wrong.

If you hadn't guessed, I am co-hosting a bridal shower this weekend. Prepare for lots of amusing stories. As much as I care about the bride, I do not care for several 'traditions'. So, Invisible Friends, I have my tulle panties in a twist. And until the Wedding Nazis call off their regime, I believe I always will have them there. It's set to be an uncomfortable future.