Monday, August 07, 2006

When The Blonde Duck Goes Grey

At the post office today, an old lady stood at the counter. She was returning a package from a clothing company, and stood patiently as they looked for the address. She had not put the return label on it, and the clerk explained to her several times what the problem was. He had sympathy in his voice and an over concerned look on his face. She looked small in her purple outfit, her hose pulled up to different heights on her vericose vein laced legs. Her skin was soft and wrinkled, and her blonde curls looked thin under the fluorescent lights. She politely accepted her package back, shaking her head as she put her pocket book back in her purse. She shuffled out quietly to return home and search for the missing label, only to make another trip back again.

I watched her as I bit my lip. "Is this what it means to get old?" I thought as I paid to have my package shipped. "Do you lose all dignity? You lose your body. Your skin isn't tight, your body sags and droops. You become more frail as your skin becomes paperly translucent. Your children are gone, your husband is ill, and all you're left with is a few dogs. Is this really the way of things? You spend your entire life working and caring for people, only to be thrown into the corner like a broken toy. You're stared at and pitied, and treated with kid gloves because you're old."

Well, I decided, I won't have that at all. You won't catch me succumbing to this tragedy. I shall be great, and I shall remain my dignity. So here, in all it's glory, is the Blonde Duck's plan for becoming old.

  1. I shall wear big pink dresses that swish as I walk. I will wear bright colors, and I'll die before I wear a caftan. I will instead wear long sundresses that cover up my legs. By that time, I'll probaly have tons of vericose veins. I will also wear flip flops everywhere, no matter what the occasion. If flip flops won't do, I shall wear pink tennis shoes with sequins.

2. I will eat breakfast food everyday. I will have pancakes, waffles, french toast, egg and cheese sandwiches, cinnamon rolls, danishes and bagels smothered in cream cheese. By that point, who cares if I get fat?

3. I will have as many puppies as I please. I will have provided for them in my will, so they will be taken care of after I'm gone.

4. I will take to being driven around and sitting in the back of my car as I do the queen wave and wear a crown. I will speak in the royal we and be very insulted if people do not know who I am.

5. I'll paint every room of my house a different color and give it a different theme.

6. I'll read a book everyday. Sometimes two if I feel like it.

7. I will install a fish pond in the backyard and swim in it wearing a snorkeling mask. If anyone asks, I'll say I'm looking for the frog prince. I'll then ask them if they're single.

8. When neighborhood children come over, I'll bake cookies for them. And hide half.

9. I shall eat peanut butter every day. Three times a day.

10. I'll visit schools just to cross the crosswalk slowly and irritate drivers.

11. I walked 5 miles to school everyday and carried an armadillo.

12. I'll get a pot belly pig and name it Wilbur. It'll live in the guest room where a spider named Charlotte will reside, as long as she's not a black widow.

13. I'll have a birthday party everyweek for someone. Even if it's an Imaginary Friend.

14) Christmas will be in July as well as December.

15) I will drive a pink pick up truck with the Blonde Duck airbrushed on the side. Of course, I shall wear my pink cowboy hat and boots to go with it. I must coordinate, you know.