Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Maid of Honor Scorned Part 2

Since the Invisible Friends howled so miserably at me, I decided to add some humorous material to this otherwise angry and ranting post. To read the whole post, scroll down to the original Maid of Honor Scorned and then simply add this humorous material to it. Is this true? Could be? I guess you'll just have to wait until the book is published to find out. Enjoy Invisible Friends. And stop howling at me!

After the games, I was exhausted. I plopped down onto a kitchen chair and sat at the table, chomping my apple. The other bridesmaids began to cut cake. I ignored them. My shift was over, and I was hungry. Suddenly, the door bell rang. I checked my watch. 4 o'clock. The party would be over in an hour. Who was at the door?

Bridesmaid #1 opened up the door to find Isa's sister, Tina, standing there. Tina is thirteen, overweight, and cursed with a horrible case of acne. Her poor poofy cheeks are covered in scar tissue and pox marks. With a very round face, she often comes off as pouting. She is a demanding, self righteous twit who thinks everyone is in love with her. Often, things could not be farther from the truth. Tina was wearing heavy grey eye shadow and crimson lipstick. Her short black hair was pinned up on both sides of her head, bobby pins sticking out at alarming angles over her ears.

What was shocking is that she was wearing one of Isa's bras, some lacy underwear that was way too big, and some oversized pantyhose. The pantyhose barely clung to the rolls of her flesh, making it seem as though she was a partially unwrapped sausage. Three inches of sheer material dangled from her toes, which were stuffed into fuzzy bedroom heels. Her bra showed empty cups, as Tina hadn't developed yet. While everyone gaped at her, Tina reveled in the attention. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how the hell she got out in public like that.

It didn't take Isa long to recover. "Tina, what are you doing here!" she shouted. She pointed an accusing finger and said, "Take off my underwear! How did you get out of the house dressed like that? Put on some clothes! It's indecent!"

"But it's a lingerie party," Tina said haughtily. She glared at Isa. "You didn't invite me. So I had to come by myself."

"How did you get here?" I asked curiously, wondering if she'd rode the bus and why she hadn't been arrested yet. Maybe we would have a delicious police scene on the front lawn and embarrass Bridesmaid #2.

"Aunt Fran took me," Tina sniffed. She shuffled forward, dragging her heels on the carpet. Bridesmaid #2 winced as black grease marks streaked across her white carpet. I grinned.

Tina threw a bag at Isa's head. "Here. Here's your present from Mom."

"Her mom bought her lingerie? Ewww," I said. The other girls stared at me. Nothing was registering in their eyes.

Tina made her way over to the kitchen table while Isa continued to open gifts. She spied the plate of chocolate brownies in each fist.

"Hi, Miranda," she greeted me, spewing chunks of chocolate at my white skirt. I backed a way quickly and wrapped a roll of paper towels around me to create a barrier. I was safe, for now.

She reached toward me with chocolate stained hands. I shoved a napkin on them as quickly as possible. I grabbed a roll of toilet paper for protection. If she waved her nasty little fat fingers at me again, I'd roll each up individually.

"Cake?" I suggested, indicating it with my hand. Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

While she was working her way through the cake like a pig at it's trough, I continued writing down presents. Finally, Isa got to her mothers present. She opened it up and read a note.

"Isa, this is the nightgown I wore on my wedding night with your father. I want you to wear it. Love, Mom."

Bile rose in my throat. I looked for an escape route. This was the grossest thing I'd ever seen in my life. Strangely, some of the girls didn't feel the same way.

"Aww, that's sweet!" one girl said.

I stared at her like she'd grown another head. "Are you nuts?" I asked. "You must be nuts."

"I can't believe she didn't buy me a new gown!" Isa threw the gown on the ground and stomped her foot. "That is so unfair."

"Well if you won't wear Mommy's nightgown, I'll wear it," Tina boasted. She grabbed the nightgown off the ground and squeezed it over her body. By the time she got it to her knees, the excess material at the top fluttered around her breasts and the bottom seams looked like they were going to break. In her excitement, Tina had left several chocolate handprints all over the dress. At least now she wasn't in her underwear, enormous as it may have been.

"You ruined it!" Isa snapped. "I was going to wear it."

"Was not! You're a liar! It looks better on me!" Tina shouted.

The two sisters got into a wrestling match over the nightgown. The guests were all shouting things and Bridesmaid #2 was wailing over her upturned coffeetable. I was wondering why I hadn't brought a video camera and was taking pictures for photographic evidence.

"You slut!" Isa shouted, grabbing the top part of the gown and yanking. We all heard a ripping sound. When we looked at the dress, it was ripped six inches from the top. Isa looked horrified. Tina looked pleased.

"You're going to get in trouble now," she chirped. "And my nightgown looks a lot better ripped. I look sexier." She wiggled up and down, pursing out her lips and shaking her hips awkwardly. "Aren't I sexy? I'm so sexy I'll get a husband before ya'll. Don't you think I'm sexy?"

"No," the whole room answered.

Undettered, Tina went to the backroom to watch herself dance in the full length mirror.

For details on how the shower ends, check out the previous post: A maid of honor scorned


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, your shower went without a problem- maybe I should give lessons on how to have lovely wedding showers. Mom

Mama K said...

These people should be used for a "what not to do when planning a wedding shower" segment. Kind like before and after shots!!!!

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