Sunday, August 06, 2006

If I had a reality show


As I was enjoying my nightly cereal, I was staring in desperation at the TV. All I saw was dozens of reality shows as I flipped through the channels. Shows about decorating homes, shows about selling homes. Shows about finding love, shows about hiring someone to break you up. Shows about raising kids, shows about swapping wives. All I could think to myself was, "Is this what television has come to? Are we forced to watch such drivel I can feel my IQ lowering each night?" Yet, I can't look away. I am entranced by the prancing Playboy bunnies. All I can think of is questions such as: Are they really his girlfriends? Surely an 80 man can not "really" have 3 girlfriends. I think they're more of a media ploy than anything.

So the real question is, what would it be like if I had a reality show?

If I had a reality show, it would be sorta like Newlyweds/ Carmen and Dave. I would just bar the cameras except between the hours of 8-8. Otherwise, I'd be headed for divorce court.

If I had a reality show, I would do a study on all the different types of farts. Burps would be the following season.

If I had a reality show, I'd talk about food all the time. I'd try to make the crew waffles and get addicted to peanut butter as I am.

If I had a reality show, I would get a puppy. He would be my spunky sidekick. He could pee on the carpet, poop on the floor, and I'd still cover him in kisses. His cute antics would draw viewers near and far. Then I'd get another one and have two.

If I had a reality show, I would brag about my writing like there's no tomorrow. I'd walk around the house doing dramatic monologues in a winter coat and shorts. I would drop publishing hints and raise cards with my contact information on them every thirty minutes.

If I had a reality show, I would act extra tough at the gym. I would act as though doing 32 lunges was no big deal, even if my legs were burning. Then I'd do an extra 32. Then I'd fall over and make one of the camera men carry me out.

If I had a reality show, I'd see how much free stuff I could get at the grocery store. I'd also make them bring back Brown Sugar Frosted Mini Wheats so I didn't have to go to Wal mart to get them.

If I had a reality show, I'd get a stylist. I'd want to look as cute at home as the ladies on television shows do. I wouldn't want to look dorky with my messy hair in a ponytail, greasy skin and glasses.

If I had a reality show, I'd make them film Ben sleeping. And drooling. But they couldn't film me. I have to maintain my cute facade.

If I had a reality show, I'd take them into every place I applied to for a job in. I'd stare pathetically at them and have the cameramen zoom in on the employers face. Then as I shed a slow, single tear.

If I had a reality show, snuggle time would be weird. I would invariably end up flashing a camera man with my skirts as I tried to lay next to Ben on the couch. Even though he doesn't move over.

And the final one......

If I had a reality show, I would see how many people I could get to tell me their life story. Let's get started!