Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Verdict

The vote was 3-1 with funny leading. Since my poor mother-in-law lost the vote, I've made it up to her by posting an excerpt with her in it. This should tickle her or make her hide in shame that I've disgraced the family name and getting rid of me is a lot harder than it used to be. Either way, a good time will be had by all!

January 12, 2006

They ganged up on me today. They conspired behind my back to attack. Whispering in the darkness, plotting in the shadows, they ambushed me when I was distracted by the beginning of the second semester. There was no where to turn to, no where to run. I was captured.

My mom and Mrs. Koerner are utterly obsessed with the idea of having a cake. They despise my idea of having tiered wedding pies. I am hell bent on having my pies, and on fighting it to the death. I know I'm being stubborn and hard headed, but I have bent on a lot of their ideas and stuff they want. I have picked my battles, and this one I'll fight the war on. I will have my pies. Three luchsious pies topped with a delicate crumble topping, with tiniest bit of cinnamon and sugar. I love pies.

So, I argued for an hour about why I should get my pies.

Mom: [Blonde Duck], you need a cake.

Me: I don't need a cake. I need pies.

Mom: Well, I talked to Paula (Mrs. Koerner) today and she thinks you need a cake too.

Me: You're ganging up on me! I can't believe this! You're plotting behind my back while I'm in class! How dare you!

Mom: [Blonde Duck], you're overreacting. I'm just asking for a simple cake. You can still have you pies.

Me: I don't like cakes! All cakes are boring! I don't want a cake. I like pie. Everybody likes pie! Therefore, we should have pie.

Mom: [Fiance Duck] likes cake. What about [Fiance Duck]? Wouldn't he like something chocolate?

Me: He thinks pies are grand.

Mom: I think [Fiance Duck] would want some chocoloate cake.

Me: Then we can have chocolate malts. He's obsessed with those.

Mom: I know you want something untraditional, but I still think you should have a cake. Think of your dad. He loves cake. He doesn't like pie very much.

Me: I don't like cake! Why does everyone like cake! It's so obvious pie is superior!

Mrs. Koerner (somehow intutively typing away at all the right places): People go to the weddings for the cake anyway. They're obsessed. If you don't have a good cake, they think it's a crappy wedding.

Me: I don't care. Let them buy their own cake. You're all ganging up on me. I refuse to listen to this chatter!

Mom: I think she just means more people prefer cake to pie.


Mom: Well, but think of everyone else. Ben and your dad like cake, and your guests want cake as well. Besides, that's more pie you can have for yourself.

Me: So now I can have cake and be fat too? Geez, how wonderful. I'll be the bride that has to be wheeled into her wedding on a loading bed.

Mom: You know I didn't mean it like that.

Me: I've given in on everything else ya'll want. I just don't want cake. I want pies. I don't want some thousand dollar cake. I think it's stupid to pay that much for crap I don't even like.

Mom: We can have a small cake that's mostly chocolate, for [Fiance Duck] and the guests.

Mrs.Koerner (still typing happily): We'll get our cake one way or another. Every wedding needs a cake. You can not have a cake. We'll just buy it when you're not looking.

Mom: She's not helping.

Me: Ya'll are making me mad.

Mom: Sweetie, we don't want you to get mad, we just don't want to disappoint your guests. Besides, the cake cutting is a big part of the wedding. We think you'll regret not having one.

Me: Not if we just cut pie instead. Just pretend the cake is crumbly with delicious apples.

Mom: I still think a cake would be nice. Your dad would really like it. I know [Fiance Duck] loves his chocolate.

Me: Fine, whatever! Ya'll are so insistant on your stupid cake! You can buy a cake, but it's not my cake. I won't eat it at all. It'll be ya'lls cake. I am having nothing to do with this stupid cake. I don't want a cake in the first place. But for some peace and quiet, I will consent to the cake just so ya'll will shut up.

Mom: You'll love the cake, you'll see.

Me: I'm not eating it.

Mom: It'll be so pretty.

Me: I bet the pies will be prettier. Full of sparkling cinnamon crumbs. Much prettier than icing.

Mrs. Koerner (probaly cackling victoriously) : I told you we'd get our cake.

Me: Oh shut up. You two are obnoxious.

Mrs. Koerner: But we got our cake!

Mom: You won't regret this dear, I promise.

Me: I already have.

Mrs. Koerner (way too pleased with herself): We got a cake, we got a cake, we got a cake hey hey hey hey!

Copywright M Koerner 2006