Monday, July 17, 2006

Black and White

There are days when it seems like your life is two extremes. For me, that's been my entire summer so far. I have had a lot of good things happen to me and a lot of success being published so soon, but I've also had several setbacks. One minute, I'm ecstatic, the next, I'm depressed and lonely again. I waver between desolation and loneliness and hope and happiness. One day, I truly believe I'm going to get a job soon because I receive a call back or a positive email. The next day, I'm in tears because I was rejected or I didn't get an interview I wanted. It's really been havoc on my mental state.

Today was the ultimate day of black and white. It started off well enough. I trotted off to the gym, off in my own little world thinking of a new children's story I wanted to write. I went to the store, cleaned house and had just settled down to do some interviews. I got a email from a magazine that wants to publish some of my work- a national magazine mind you! I was estatatic! I jumped up and down, I wiggled, I told the whole instant messenger world.

Then, my mother called and told me that they had found a cancerous lump in her breast. They had done a biopsy to check for the cancer, and I had told her she'd be fine. I was positive it was begin. There was no history in our family of breast cancer. Well, I lied.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I called up my mother-in-law and told her. I had to tell someone. I had to let the words sit in my throat, making it feel like it couldn't close. I had to get my emotion out so I could be strong for my mom. I knew she was more scared than I was.

And she was. She broke down, crying as she told me about it. I tried not to cry as I told her it would all work out and we would be behind her. I told her we'd be with her everyday, and we'd get through this together.

While I'm sure she'll be fine- she's young and healthy, it just wears on you. It's such a dreadful thing to inflict on a family.

Maybe that's how things are supposed to be- the ultimate balance. Maybe you can't have a lot of white without some black too. Those who have all black are miserable, and those with all white don't appreciate it because that's the way it's always been. It takes the bitter moments to make the sweet ones even sweeter. All I can wish for is more white than black spots in my days. And after all that happened, today was still more white than dark. When my husband came home, he had a lot of good news for me. I can always count on him to brighten up my day. I hope tomorrow brings the same.