The other day at work, Libby found this picture. She squealed, "This is you!"
I replied, "No, that's not me. That's a dog."
"Nooooo," Libby groaned, acting as if I was a moron. "That would be you if you were a dog! Look at that smile! Those ears! That goofy expression!"
I was amused and somewhat offended. "I want to be a chihuahua..."
"Nope." Libby had already decided my doggie personality fate and was now writing a caption to go along with my picture. She pasted the picture and caption on my computer and cackled. "This is you! This is soooo you!"
The caption read: "I just had a brilliant idea! Let's bake a pie! I want to dance! Is that peanut butter? Let's go on a walk! I'm sooo bored! That guy's a moron! I had another brilliant idea!"
I should have been offended, but I was laughing too hard. Then I got to thinking, if I was a dog....
If I was a dog, I'd spend my afternoons lying in the sunshine. I'd let the grass tickle my belly and butterflies land on my nose.
If I was a dog, I would spend hours curled up in a lap being petted. If the person dared to stop petting me, I'd crack my eyes open, give them the most pathetic look possible and smile when they started petting me again.
If I was a dog, I would frolic through flowers, splash in puddles and run on cement.
If I was a dog, I would go on several walks. I would stick my nose in sprinklers, investigate gardens and snarl at rude dogs who barked at me.
If I was a dog, I would wear pink fuzzy sweaters without complaint.
If I was a dog, I would hide from Charlie the Dog because he would be much bigger than me.
If I was a dog, I would find out what Ace is really thinking.
If I was a dog, I would teach aerobic classes for the Babies.
If I was a dog, I would make millions being the first doggie author to write books for dogs.
If I was a dog, I would eat lots of pie. Calories don't matter when you're a dog.
If I was a dog, I'd wear cute little bows on my ears.
If I was a dog, I'd eat barbeque, hamburgers, Mexican food, macaroni and cheese, pie and cookies everyday. Then I'd throw it all up and eat grass.
If I was a dog, I would get a cocker spaniel for a friend. I've always wanted a cocker spaniel and Ben says I can't have one because they pee on the floor. If I wasn't a dog, I wouldn't be concerned about the floor so it's all ok.
If I was a dog, I'd find a witch to turn Ben and Libby into dogs too so I could have company. Ben would be a chihuahua, Libby would be a shih-tzu.
If I was a dog, I'd go to Austin and let my dad feed me the same cookies he feeds the Babies.
If I was a dog, I'd take a great big glob of peanut butter and let it dance on my tongue.
If I was a dog, I would perfect the art of stealing off people's plates. And not feeling guilty at all.
If I was a dog, I would eat a worm, just for curiosity's sake.
Ok, I probably wouldn't eat a worm.
Well, I might.
If I was a dog, I would make friends with butterflies and ladybugs and hope word got around to the fleas and ticks so they wouldn't disturb me.
If I was a dog, I would howl as I danced to music. I bet I could dance even better with four legs.
If I was a dog, I would call everyone I didn't like morons and they would never know about it.
If I was a dog, I would create a Braille-like system to write my stories with my paws. Or bark-recognition software.
If I was a dog, I would make pies for dogs. Really cute ones.
If I was a dog, I would ban all cats from the city.
If I was a dog, I would go visit the goats and the donkeys behind our house.
And if I was a dog, I'd probably look just like the one Libby found.