Friday, February 22, 2008

The GLUG interviews The Blond Duck's Dad

Dear Invisible Friends,

The GLUG (Ginormous Lime Green Unusual Gnat) has been twitching and whining for me to let him post another interview on my blog. He says since I never gave him the promised TV show in Oprah's time slot, I owe him.

Well, I don't think I owe him anything, but I am awfully tired of listening to him howl and bellow attached to my windshield wipers as I drive to and from work every day. Therefore, indulge the GLUG as he interviews my Dad. It was not my idea that he interview my father. I tried to convince the GLUG that my father was the last person he would want to interview. He should interview Ben, I suggested, my mother or Ace the Dog. But my father would give him nothing. My father is an engineer that only gets excited by bad puns or new developments in his field. He doesn't like interviews, isn't fond of insects and despises bellowing. Anyone who knows my father knows that he is extremely reticent.

The GLUG didn't listen. He insisted on an interview and demanded I post it immediately. For privacy reasons, my father will be called Dad and not his real name.

Enjoy ( if you can).

The Blonde Duck

The GLUG Interviews The Blond Duck's Dad
The GLUG: (bellowing) HELLLOOOOOOO!!! Welcome to my new fabulous show, GLUG! Today my subject is Dad. Hello Dad!
Dad: Hello.
The GLUG: Do you think I'm cute?
Dad: (silence)
The GLUG: (yelling louder) Are you deaf? I asked if you think I'm cute!
Dad: I heard you.
The GLUG: (wounded) Then why won't you tell me I'm cute? Do you not think I'm cute? How can you not think I'm cute? I am the cutest Ginourmous Lime Green Unusual Gnat ever! In fact, I'm the only Ginourmous Lime Green Unusual Gnat! (sticks his tiny green face in Dad's, antennae twitching wildly.)
Dad: (nods)
The GLUG: (sighs) So tell me about yourself Dad. What do you like best about the Blonde Duck?
Dad: (in quiet, measured tones) The fact I no longer have to fund her shopping trips.
The GLUG: (sighing heavily) That's boring. What's your favorite food?
Dad: Chicken fried steak.
The GLUG: (perking up slightly) Do you like mashed potatoes?
Dad: Yes.
The GLUG: Do you like pecan pie?
Dad: Yes.
The GLUG (growing excited): Do you like peanut butter?
Dad: No.
The GLUG (shrieks): How can you not like peanut butter? Everyone likes peanut butter!
Dad: (raises eyebrow)
The GLUG: Do you think I'm cute?
Dad: (repeats raising of eyebrow)
The GLUG: Can I drive your car?
Dad: No.
The GLUG: Can I come to your house?
Dad: No.
The GLUG: Will you take me to Alaska? I've never been there.
Dad: No.
The GLUG (frustrated): Do you ever talk?
Dad: Yes.
The GLUG: Do you ever say more than one word?
Dad: Yes, often.
The GLUG (completely fed up): I'm going to go bother Ben! He would be a much better interview. Let's call him right now like Ellen calls people on her show. I love Ellen! Do you like Ellen? (dialing phone number)
Dad: No
The GLUG: Do you like Oprah? I love Oprah. (Audience can hear phone ringing).
Dad: No.
(phone picks up) Ben: Hello?
Ben: Oh God. How did you get my number?
The GLUG (ignoring him): The Blonde Duck's dad won't talk on my show! Will you talk on my show?
Ben: I'm on a show?
The GLUG: You're on TV!
Ben: And the Blonde Duck's Dad is there?
The GLUG (scowling): Yes, but he won't talk. He's boooorrrinnnggggg.
Ben: Hey Blonde Duck's Dad? Did you hear about... (conversation turns to cars. The GLUG's eyes glaze over. Completely bored, he abandons his audience in pursuit of a stray kitten outside the studio.)
The GLUG (chasing stray kitten): That's it for our show today! Stay tuned for next time when we interview someone amusing and fabulous! Hey kitty! Kitty kitty kitty! Do you think I'm cute? Do you like me? Have you ever seen a GLUG before?