Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Peeping Bug(s)

Dear Peeping Bug 1 and Peeping Bug 2,

I am offended. I am outraged. I am not amused. Why you ever got it into your microscopic brains that it was ok to invade my shower is beyond me. I don't care if it was raining and you didn't want your little buggie feet to get wet. That is not my problem. Besides, if you didn't want to get wet, why would you have invaded my shower? Don't give me that excuse. You weren't looking for the grocery store. You were looking for thrills, that's what you were looking for. Perverted insects--you should all be locked up!

You, my gross little friends, are peeping bugs. You're one step above the grout you're scurrying about in. To invade someone's personal, warm shower and stare at them while they get ready is creepy. You're already creepy, because you're a bug. Bugs creep. They don't walk, they creep. But what you've done has gone beyond buggy creepiness. You're on fungi level of grossness.

Peeping Bug 1, I have a bit more sympathy for you. You seemed so lost and confused when I crushed you with my fingernail. In my mind, I thought I heard a squeak of alarm. I almost felt bad when I ground you into the tile. But I got over it pretty quick.

However, Peeping Bug 2, you should have known better. Peeping Bug 1's corpse was still on the opposite side of the shower! Yet, you have the nerve to scurry over to my side right near my face and taunt me as you dash from tile to tile.

If you want to see naked people, go open up your own little buggie smut magazine. Appoint yourselves the next Bug Befner and have fun at it. Just don't come in my Pond. The next bug that invades my shower is going to get the long pointy fingernail of justice--and let me tell you, it ain't pretty.

So before your millions of family members crawl to me and accuse me of cruelty, let me just say this. Aren't showers supposed to be places of peace and cleanliness? Is it not true that showers are a personal and private event? When a person experiences a Peeping Bug, it is a traumatic event. Let's remember who the real victim is here. After all, I almost got soap in my eye when I squished Peeping Bug 2. And that would have been a real tragedy.

Huffily yours,

The Now Paranoid Blonde Duck

Other shower victims of Peeping Bugs can contact (1800) BAD-BUGG. A counselor is waiting on the phone to listen to your emotional crises now. Donations are always welcome.