Monday, November 13, 2006


Duck Update: I saw Stranger than Fiction this weekend, and it was absolutely glorious! Ben took me to the late showing of 10:30! We're younger than we thought...

The Blonde Duck Solves the Mystery of Breakroom

I believe someone melted in the break room. There is a pile of clothes around a puddle of water on a table next to a box of donuts. The clothes are followed by a pair of shoes that sit next to them.

Now, these clothes aren't fashionable clothes. These are polyester stretch creations in bright colors and obnoxious patterns. This of course, means that the person wearing these clothes had to be a witch. Why a witch? Well obviously, the witch was in disguise. Why else would you wear obnoxious clothing that doesn't match? Of course, it was a terrible disguise, which is why she was trying to ditch it before she melted.

Consider this: my purell is dried up. It is my belief that the witch snuck into the offices in the early morning. She was not pleased by the grime on her hands, and helped herself to the purell. Witches have thick green skin which gathers bacteria easily (that's why the smart ones wear gloves), so she had a use a lot to get that freshly clean feeling. When she saw what she'd done, she simply left it on my desk. She is obviously not a polite witch.

After the witch had cleaned her hands, she slunk to the breakroom. Witches can't walk normally. They can slink, slunk, scurry and creep. After slinking to the breakroom, the witch discovered the box of old doughnuts. The old doughnuts are a favorite of the Water Cooler Ants, who were anxiously climbing up the table for some crumbs. The witch swept them off the table with one hand and laughed as they fell towards the tile covered floor. Luckily, their parachutes from the cubicle spiders saved them. The witch hovered over the donuts and selected one with her long red nails. Opening her mouth wide, she inhaled the entire doughnut in one swallow. With a satisfied grin, she turned to the coffee machine.

That was the object of her demise. As she lazily leaned over the table to reach for a cup of coffee, her stomach touched the puddle of water. The water was not just plain water, but contained salt as well. This only accelerated the melting process. The witch shrieked high pitched noises, but to no avail. The rest of the office simply thought it was the fax machine and turned up their headphones.

Now, the witch has melted away, and only her obnoxious disguise is left. Even the Water Cooler Ants find it unfashionable. And how do I know all this, you ask? How did I figure out this mystery and come up with this farfetched scheme?

I forgot to mention there was one long red fingernail on top of the dress, curled under many times. And of course- only witches have fingernails that long.