Big Hunks of Metal

Their shoulders slumped as they walked around the shining cars laid out provocatively on the show floor. The closer they got to the blazing red small 2- seater sports car, the closer their knuckles got to the floor. By the time they slid into the low seats that hugged their backs, their foreheads had justed forward and they were grunting and grabbing themselves in glee! They had officially morphed into drooling morons.

For two and a half hours, we looked at every curved and boxy line of metal. While I adored the VW Rabbit and Taureg, they were drooling over massive trucks and tiny sports cars. Hoods were popped, buttons were pushed and stereos were tested. The boys were in car heaven.

As a traitor to the car show, I couldn't understand the enormous appeal. It was as if a pulsing stone was sending out brainwaves that enticed them to crawl on the floor and look at every car in the room. I suppose I could compare this to women looking at shoes, but not even shoes fascinate me. Now a room full of desserts- oh lord. I wouldn't leave for days. They wouldn't be able to roll me out.

Then, I saw it. I saw the exact reason men were dragging their wife and whiney children clutching blankets and toys through enormous rooms of cars: the car babes. The car babes ranged from Car Tramp to High Priced Sexy Girl. The Car Tramp is some poor young girl who they've shoved out on the floor in something very low-cut and tight just to attract men. One girl was wearing a tight little black dress and plastic heels, while another's were wearing pants so tight they were almost painted on. Their t-shirts were equally tight, as they pushed their breasts out while handing out brochures. These girls didn't even know the name of the car they were standing next to, but weren't they cute? All they needed was a string bikini and heels.

The Mid-Priced Sorta Sexy girl is an older woman in her thirties. She's wearing way too much makeup and looks tired. She tries to lean against the cars to look sexy, but really just wants to kick off her heels and take a bubble bath. She is wearing a suit jacket and short skirt, and showing some cleavage. The Sorta Sexy girl is wearing cheap gold jewelry that she tugs on while talking to the people, wishing she could tug on her skirt. Her panty hose have funs, and she knows a few things about the cars. When a person walks up, she immediately smiles way too big and recites the speech she's been told to give from memory. She's memorized all the questions to the guide book, and is stumped if someone asks an original question. Then she unbuttons her jacket to show more cleavage and changes the subject. After all- she's not just a pretty face. She's just not much more.

The highest level of car girls, the High Priced Sexy Girl, knows how to play the big dogs. She sits on a stool in a pose, looking down at some of the "undesirables" looking at cars. She only talks to well dressed older men, and ignores anyone under the age of thirty. She works for an exotic car company like porsche or ferrari, and haughtily brags about the cars. She is around her late 20's, and really just waiting on her promotion to go through so she can quit doing this. She wears a tailored black suit and thick perfume. She reeks of pretension. This woman looks bored whenever talking to you, unless you mention money. Suddenly, her entire attitude changes. She purrs like a kitten as she leans close to you, flipping her hair and showing her bright smile. Her eyes stare into yours, and she laughs at your every joke. This girl is sexy, and she knows it. Her job is to fool you into thinking if you buy that car, you can have her. For a steep price.

So, that is the psychological draw of car shows for men. Not only do they get big hunks of metal, they get boobs! It makes you wonder what's next for women. Art and craft shows with male models posing as sexy plumbers or emotionally fragile firemen? Is the world ready for this? We may never know.