Monday, October 01, 2007

The coyotes howl back

I wrote this in response to some coyote problems in the Pond as a joke at work, and I thought my Invisible Friends might get a kick out of it. Coyotes have been hurting dogs and eating cats across the city. While I personally don't like coyotes, I wondered what they may say about the situation. As the gentle and fair moderator of the Pond, I present their side of the story.

Dear Pond residents,

As a young coyote in your area, it has come to my attention that a few of my friends have been irritating you lately. According to the news, we have been accused of killing cats and mauling dogs. While I do apologize for any trauma and heartache we have caused you, I wanted to clear the air about our position as members of the community and demand equal rights. That’s right—we coyotes have rights too. Not just your dumb deer.

We, the Coyotes of the Pond, simply wish to co-exist with you peacefully. We don’t intend to terrify and terrorize you with our piercing howls into the night or inconsiderate food choices for the evening. Can I help it that choir practice is on Wednesday and your backyard just happens to be in the territory? And is it really my fault if your favorite cat happens to walk by? That’s like sending your child into the ghetto with money taped to their body and wondering why they get mugged.

As far as our descriptions as vicious killers, come now. Coyotes get a bum rap. Everyone thinks we’re a sneaky scavenging animal that will eat any helpless animal around. I don’t see people getting mad at wolves. I’m sure wolves eat plenty of cats and attack dogs. Have you seen those fangs? Ouch! And how about the alligators in Florida? Alligators eat people and people still want to save them. Hell, alligators are endangered. At least we haven’t eaten little kids or a bunch of poodles (Ok, fine, maybe one or two.)

Lastly, I’d like to point out the injustices of looking as ugly as we do. If deer looked ugly, you wouldn’t care about them at all. You wouldn’t be feeding them and trying to adopt them as pets. All of you Pond people just loveee deer because of their big eyes and cute wobbly legs. Is it my fault that I'm scruffy and smell bad? I can't help being born ugly, just like deer can't help being cute. If coyotes were as cute as deer, you wouldn’t mind if we ate a pet or two. In fact, you’d probably lay out steaks for us. The deer get salt licks and corn—where are our steaks? You even plant special plants for the deer to munch on. I don't see you scattering special treats for me to munch on. This is cute discrimination, and I take offense to that.

I hope we can continue to exist as species. I’d like my steak rare, please. And tell the deer to back off from my corn.


An Annoyed Coyote in the Pond