Invasion of the Critters

Along with the sunshine and lazy days, summer brings an abundance of critters. They're back!

First, it started with the son of Fuzzy. Fuzzy, the famous inhabitant of the flower pot near the door, was a genetic freak. Bug spray, chalk, rain, sun and slamming glass doors were no match for Fuzzy. Everytime we thought he was a goner, he would appear on the screen door, taunting us with his immortality. So Ben stepped up his game. Fuzzy was thrown over the fence, into the neighbor's yard, into the trash can and into the street. It didn't even phase him. He'd be back two hours later, laughing through the glass at our feeble attempts to save him from a slow and painful death.

After the second or third round of heavy-duty bug spray, Fuzzy finally met his match. However, he left a little surprise for us--a slew of his descendants, all who frequent the same flower pot. Now, anywhere from two to three Fuzzies can be seen lounging on our glass door. It's rather comforting, actually, to wake up to a black and white arachnid glaring at you with his several eyes.

"Yo!" you can imagine him bellowing through the screen. "Where's my bugs? What's the deal? I've only had some gnats and a cricket. You trying to put me on a diet?"

While the Fuzzies have cleansed our back porch, our own collection of Little Fat Birds have kept our yard insect free. Ben has taken up spying through our back door to watch the Little Fat Birds collect on the fence. The Little Fat Birds totter on our wooden fence, eyeballing our grass thoughtfully. Their Little Fat Heads peer from side to side, searching for the worm of their choice. They turn to each other and coo, then lazily float down and peck throughout the yard.

Little Fat Bird 1: "What do you feel like today?"
Little Fat Bird 2: "I think I'll go with Earthworms. I had flys yesterday."
Little Fat Bird 1: "Flys are so fattening for you."
Little Fat Bird 2: "But they're soooo good!"

Luckily, our flowers attract kindly and beautiful floating friends. Butterflies and hummingbirds love to visit our pink flower clusters, drinking greedily before moving on. It's like happy hour for the beautiful people of the insect word. The butterflies tend to linger more than the hummingbirds, who rather sound like a coffee junkie.

"GivemegivemegivemegivemegivemegivemeNECTAR! Nownownownownownwonow! Ineedneedneedneedabuzz!"

Surprisingly, the caterpillars at Starbuck's are much more mellow, even though they are in close proximity to caffinated beverages. A pale green with yellow hair sticking out wildly around them, they slowly crawl around the white letters on the sign. Their job is to help the other insects order off the menu. For example:

Caterpillar 1: "Starbucks on Bandera. This is Callie. How may I help you?"
Jittery Wasp: "I need something to keep me awake for the rest of my life. What do you suggest?"
Caterpillar 2: "Try our bark cappuccino. It'll keep you alive for 2 days."
Jittery Wasp: "Perfect!"
Caterpillar 1: "Honey or Nectar?"
Jittery Wasp: "Nectar."
Caterpillar 2: "How many packets?"
Jittery Wasp: "2. Hey, ya'll are really fuzzy, aren't you?"
Caterpillar 1: "And you're really brown. $1.69 at the window. Please pull around."

Last but not least, let us not forget the pillbugs. The darling pillbugs who tend to curl into the fetal position whenever they're scared, nervous, angry or sad. Which happens to be all the time. The pillbugs have invaded the city, littering doorways, sidewalks and porches with their tiny grey bodies. We like the pillbugs.

So don't even bother locking your doors, sealing your windows or burning the citronella candles. No matter what you do, the gnats will circle your bananas, the flies will circle your home and Fuzzy Jr. will stare at you through your glass patio. Don't worry--it's just the invasion of the summer critters!

Happy Father's Day Daddy and Frank!