A birthday and Ben

It's Mama K's birthday today, and I thought I'd write a blog to honor her. At first, I thought about doing a mushy blog. Nah, I thought. We've had enough mushiness, bring on the comedy. Then I thought of doing a story about every one's favorite, Chihuahua, Ace.

Ace the Chihuahua

Then, I thought to myself, no, she'd rather have a story about Ben.

A flash of inspiration struck me, and all the sudden it seemed to clear. What could be more perfect than a story about Ben and Ace?

Ta Da! It took a lot of thinking, but I finally dug up my favorite Ace and Ben memory. This is the story of Ben, Ace and a jar of peanut butter. I love peanut butter. But for once in my life, it's not about me.

Ace loves food. He loves every kind of food except bananas. Even if it's not edible or tasty, there's a good chance he'll eat it. Ben's favorite thing to do is torment Ace. You can see the disaster unfolding.

One day, I was munching on a snack when Ben grabs a jar of peanut butter and begins to eat spoonfuls out of it. Ace, terrified of missing out on a smackeral of peanut butter, hops around his feet like a jackrabbit.

"Please give me some peanut butter!" Ace pleaded silently, springing up into the air over and over. "Please give me some tasty tasty peanut butter!"

"Yum, yum, yum," Ben hummed to himself, happily scooping out more peanut butter. He grinned as Ace began to throw his tiny body in the air.

"If I twirl around, they'll give me some peanut butter!" he thought to himself. "Twirl! Spin! Twirl!"

"Let's give Ace some peanut butter," Ben says, grinning wickedly at me. I roll my eyes. This could only lead to trouble.

"Oh God yes!" Ace flips over happily on his belly. "Finally, some peanut butter!"

Ace pranced happily as Ben dug out an enormous spoonful of peanut butter.

"Do you think he should eat all that?" I stare at the glob of peanut butter that's the size of a small planet.

"Yea," Ben grins. "He'll like it." He reaches down and shoves the entire spoonful of peanut butter into Ace's mouth. Ace's eyes bulge like a frog, and he gags as he tries to chew the peanut butter. Making small choking sounds, he smacks his jaw open and closed like an alligator wrapped in duck tape.

"He's choking!" I squeal, swooping to save the dog. Ben holds me back. "No, look at him!" Ben's voice is in awe. He only wishes he could chew that much peanut butter.

Ace wipes the mass of peanut butter on his paw. From there, he begins to lick it off.

"Look at his tongue!" Ben cackles, holding his stomach in glee. "Look at it go!"

Ace begins to frantically lick the peanut butter off his foot like it may jump off and slink away. Ben only giggles harder as Ace's tongue whips in and out of his mouth faster than a snake. Finally, with one good lick, the peanut butter is gone. Ace is stuffed, Ben is happy and my eyes have permanently rolled to the back of my head.

Yet, every time we go back, Ace begs for peanut butter. And Ben always gives it to him.

The Buff Beetle

Seven in the morning is early for anyone, especially a beetle. However, the beetle at the women's gym emerged from his home in the crack of the wall promptly at 7:03 a.m. It was dove season, and he had to get buff.

"I can't even scurry on the sidewalk without a bird pecking at me!" he griped to himself as he scuttled across the thick red carpet. "All those dumb country birds hiding in the city until November. It's terrible, I tell you, just terrible! A fellow has to be in shape to survive dove season."

"Everyone always feels bad for the birds during bird season," he sneered as he hurried to the floor exercise space. "Well, what about us bugs? We deserve not to be hunted like vermin too!"

Huffing to himself, he crawled his way to the enormous rubber balls. He looked up at the ball--it looked like a planet.

"EW!" a girl screeched as she scooted away from the bug. "A beetle!"

"Not listen here," the beetle snarled, "I have every right to work out here too!"

The girl wrinkled her nose and went to do crunches on the aerobics floor. The beetle, giving up on the planet of a ball, walked over to another woman who was sweating as she tried to hold a plank.

"Would you help me stretch?" the beetle asked politely, waving all his arms and legs. "I'm not quite sure how to get started. I don't work out much, you see. Just during dove season."

"Disgusting," she blanched as she got up and quickly walked away. Undeterred, the beetle scuttled over to another woman. "Would you help me stretch?" The woman slammed down her magazine towards him. He quickly ran and hid under a box of stretchy ropes as she continued to smack the ground.

"You don't have to be so rude!" the beetle bellowed fearfully as he crawled against the wall, desperately searching for a crack. "If you didn't want to help me stretch, no would have been just fine!" Finally, the woman and her magazine left. The beetle carefully crawled out. He saw a blond girl doing sit-ups on the carpet. Silently, he scuttled over to her head. When she finally turned and saw him, her eyes widened in fear.

"Excuse me," the beetle asked politely, "Can you help me stretch?"

"Help you stretch?" the girl asked, looking dubiously at all his arms and legs. "I'm not sure how to do that."

"Oh," the beetle said, disappointed. Since the girl hadn't screamed, run away or tried to hit him, he decided to push his luck.

"Why are all the girls running away from me?" his beetle pinchers clicked at her a few times. "Am I that scary of a beetle?"

The girl shook her head. "They're not scared of you." She turned to do sit-ups on her side. The beetle scurried around her head so he was in her vision again.

"Grossed out?" The beetle sighed. It wasn't his fault he was black and shiny with a hard shell. He knew he wasn't as cute as butterflies or ladybugs. At least people liked him in Egypt.

"Nope," the girl said, flipping over to the other side. The beetle sighed and scurried around to the other side so he was in her vision again. He was very tired. This was turning out to be a very good work out.

"Then what is it?" he whined.

"They don't want to work out with a boy," the girl said, standing up and grabbing her bag. "After all, it's a women's gym." The beetle stared at her as she walked out, flabbergasted. As more women came towards him, he quickly scurried back into his crack in the wall.

"That's enough working out for one day," he told himself, confident he was fast enough the birds wouldn't get him. Even though he was disappointed the other ladies wouldn't work out with him, he knew he'd still get in a work out. After all--there was a Mexican restaurant two doors down. They had never discriminated before against beetles of any kind.

Oops--he did it again

You guessed it. He's back in rehab.

On one of my daily walks, I walked by the propane tank cabinet and glanced at it causally. Guess who I saw hopping frantically at the top of the tank?

"Worms!" Bird called happily when he saw me. "Oh, please tell me you're a worm!"

"Nope, no worms here," I replied as he hopped from tank to tank. "So you're back in, huh?"

"It's not my fault," he sobbed as he threw himself against the cage. "I just need worms. Worms! I know they're not that good for me, but they're soooo good." He looked hungrily at my fingers, which I pulled away from the cage.

"Please let me out," he pleaded. "I think I see some tasty worms." He was staring at my feet.

"Those are my toes," I said, taking a few steps back. "And I didn't put you in. You can get out the exact same way you got in."

"Worms!" the bird cried frantically as a truck drove by. "Worms worms worms worms worms worms!" I looked at him warily.

"You should stay in there," I said, as I started to walk away. "You really do have a problem."

"It's not me," he sobbed. "It's my genetics. Won't you help me? The other one wanted to help me."

"And you tried to eat her fingers," I reminded him. "Imagine what you'll do to mine." I could see his tiny bird brain trying to process this information. "Worms?" he asked again hopefully. Laughing, I strolled away.

When I returned later, the tiny confused bird had once again found his way out of rehab and was hopping along the ground with a- you guessed it- worm in his tiny beak.

"Worm!" he cried happily, his beak falling open to show me his prize. The worm flipped out and began to crawl along the ground desperately. "Worm!" he cried frantically, hopping away to scoop it up. "Worm worm worm worm worm!"

I expect he'll be back in rehab by Monday.

Blond

There she was. The tiny spider giggled to himself in glee. For days, weeks, months, he had watched the golden hair girl traipse up and down the long cement sidewalk. For an eternity her hair had fascinated him. A mass of spun gold and sunlight, the strands shimmered and glowed in the breeze as she passed.

Sometimes, the girl wore her hair straight and smooth, like waves of sun-bleached wheat blowing in the wind.

Sometimes, the girl wore her hair in golden curls. The spider imagined sliding down one of the curls, sliding and twisting and turning forever.

Sometimes her hair was in a ponytail, bouncing invitingly with each step. If only he could leap onto her silky tail and swing from strand to strand like an eight-legged Tarzan in a follicle jungle!

“If only I was blond!” the spider had lamented for months. “If only I had a golden mass of hair on my head! I too, would be happy and could take long walks in the sunlight, my hair beaming like a bronzed statue!”

The spider watched wistfully each days, as the girl with the golden hair would walk by him. He’d reach out gently, hoping to catch a wayward strand as it floated in the breeze. But the strands always eluded him, floating out of his grasp. They must go to heaven, he imagined. To heaven to string a lute of an angel, a violin of saints. Only hair like that could make it into heaven.

So the spider had watched, and he had waited. And now it was time.

The girl was walking by, and the breeze was perfect, just as he imagined. He took a deep breath, and he leapt. He leapt into the air and let the breeze carry him along. At the exact right moment, he threw a clear thread into the air. Just as he imagined, it caught the girl’s hair. Startled, she bent down. The spider beamed. This was the moment he’d been waiting for his entire life.

“Ew!” the girl screamed. “A spider!” The spider ran up the delicate silver strand and into the girl’s hair. He closed his eyes in joy when he rushed into the golden locks he’d admired for so long. Happily he placed them on his own head. “I’m blond!” he cried. “I’m finally blond!” The girl batted at her hair in a frenzied motion and was jumping up and down in panic. “Oh God!” she screamed. “There’s a spider in my hair!”

All the jumping caused the spider to fall, down, down from the beautiful strands. He caught his silver rope and swung back up into the other side of the hair. The girl screamed as he crawled up her hair towards her ear.

“I’m blond!” he cried ecstatically. “I’m blonde and beautiful! Look at my golden mane, my silky white locks.” He gathered the strands to his nose and breathed deeply as the girl shook her head frantically and raked her hands through her hair. Finally, her finger dragged the spider down the ground. As he stared up at the withering mass of gold, he beamed and hugged the strand he still clutched in his hand. The girl’s running footsteps faded in the distance as he hugged the strand and beamed. “I’m still blond,” he grinned.

They tried to make me go to rehab

L and I were taking our morning walk when we passed by two birds trapped in a steel holding cabinet for silver tanks. The cabinet was essentially long steel rods surrounded by steel mesh on the top and sides with a door on the front side locked by a combination lock. The bottom of the cabinet was open, which is how the birds flew in there.

We looked at the birds, who had worked themselves into quite a frenzy.

"You there!" one of the birds squeaked as he hopped from tank to tank. "Release us from this vile prison!"

"Just fly down!" I said pointedly, rolling my eyes.

"That's what you want us to think," the small brown bird said, staring at me through the mesh. The other bird was flapping hysterically at the top of the cabinet.

"I'll never get out! I'll never get out!" he screamed. "I'll never get out!" The first bird slapped the second with his wing as he too fluttered around the top. "Stop panicking!" he chirped. I rolled my eyes. Meanwhile, L and her bleeding heart had decided to go rescue the birds.

"Oh birdies!" she cried in anguish, clasping her hands together. She grasped the top of the cage and spoke to them emphatically. "Fly babies! Fly! Fly to the bottom! You can be free!"

"Worms! Worms!" cried the second bird, stabbing his beak through the mesh towards her fingers. "Worms! Tasty tasty worms!" L gasped and jerked her hands back just in time to avoid the curious little beak. "Worms!" the bird howled in anguish, anxiously fluttering in the corner of the cabinet.

"Whadda want for my freedom?" the first bird sneered at me. "An acorn? A locus?"

"I don't want anything," I snapped in exasperation. "I just want you to shut up so L and I can finish the walk." L was now cooing to the second bird who was convinced he was having a drug-induced hallucination and that worms were dancing around him.

"Everyone's got a price," he smirked as he hopped around. I shook my head and looked at L.

"L, come on. They'll figure it out."

"But they're sad!!!" she wailed, trying to push leaves through the vents to the bird. The second bird burst into a new bout of hysterical fluttering. "The worms! The worms!" I sighed and watched her try to flush the birds out of the steel box.

"Doesn't he ever shut up?" The first bird looked at me, insulted at my lack of sympathy. "He's addicted to worms!" he snapped. "Show some compassion. He's detoxing!"

"Detoxing from worms," I shook my head. "Right. And what are you here for?"

"It wasn't mine," he snapped defensively. "I never saw it before." I nodded sarcastically, and he flapped his wings at me and continued to fly around the cabinet. He was hopping around on the tanks, muttering to himself. L cocked her head and looked at the side of the box.

"I know!" she beamed, skipping to it's left side. "I'll just"-- As she walked to the box, the first bird hopped off the last row of tanks and swooped out from under the box into the open air. L squealed and hopped away as his feathers passed within an inch of his face.

"I'm free!" he cackled as he flew by me. "They'll never catch me, those silver birds! They can't get me now!" He laughed as he flew into a nearby tree. The second bird, now doubly terrified because he was alone, flopped anxiously in the box.

"Worms!" he shrieked. "Where are my worms? Worms!"

"Dumb birds," I muttered, as I dragged away a wailing L who was now trying to overturn the cabinet to rescue the second bird. The second bird was now shrieking and calling to the first bird, who chirped comfortably from a tree. "Dumb, dumb bird. "

"He's not dumb," L said defensively. "He's just, he's just"--

"What?" I said pointedly, knowing there was no way she could defend the idiotic birds.

"He's in rehab," she said decisively. Despite myself, I laughed.

Three hours later, the bird was still in the box throwing himself against steel mesh repeatedly. L, even now more concerned by the suspiciously retarded bird, rushed over to save the bird. The bird suddenly dove head first into the ground and swooped back up and under the cabinet into the open air like his friend. Excited he was now free from the dreaded box he'd been imprisoned in, he landed on the grass near the propane cabinet.

"Worms!" he cried happily, pecking at the ground. "Worms, worms, worms!"

Looking at L, I said dryly, "I don't think rehab worked."

"Worms, worms, worms," the second bird sang happily, shivering to himself in delight. When we passed the area later in the afternoon, we saw a tiny handwritten sign stuck into the ground.

"Hello, my name is Bird. And I'm addicted to worms."

Hot puppy breath

My fate as a dog owner has been sealed. Forget the Yorkies, the masses of terriers, the golden retrievers. Forget the German Shepards, the Siberian Huskies and the cocker spaniels.

I have fallen in love with the Chihuahua. As soon as that tiny white puppy was placed into my arms and I looked into his tiny brown eyes, I was hooked. Finished, finito, done. Never to venture out into the world of dabbling dog breeds again. While I still have a list of dogs I'd love to own, my first puppy purchase has been decided--the Chihuahua.

It all started at work yesterday when everyone was fluttering around in high spirits because of a going-away breakfast we were having for one of the employees. Their arms filled with cinnamon rolls, strudels, muffins and fruit, the cynical journalists were on a sugar high and actually pleasant for once. One of the new girls brought up her dog and asked about local dog parks, and that lead me to my most favorite subject besides food: puppies. As I babbled away about my love for puppies, she interrupted me.

"There's a store over on The Road that sells puppies," she informed me as I clasped my hands in delight. "You can take them out and play with them and hold them. And on weekends, they have adoption days."

While my liberal colleagues began to all try to one-up each other on how many dogs they'd rescued and whose dogs had the most problems, therefore making it the most compassionate rescue, I was too busy looking up the puppy store. When I found the website, I squealed in excitement. For the rest of the day, adrenaline pumped through my veins. The only thing I could think or speak was, "Puppiespuppiespuppiespuppiespuppiespuppiespuppiespuppies."

Puppies consumed my thoughts for the entire day. As Libby and I perused cuteoverload.com, I dreamed of what kind of puppies I might pet. I fantasized about their delicate skin, their soft fur, their tiny little tongues. I couldn't wait to feel a squirming mass of fluff in my arms and the delicious heat of puppy breath on my cheek. I desperately needed to hold a puppy. Ever the causal one, I informed Ben of this on the way home.

"BABY!" I screeched into the phone. "There's a store on the Road and they have PUPPPIES! And you can pet them and hold them and love them and snuggle them and cuddle them and oh my God they have puppies! Puppies puppies puppies puppies puppies! Do you know how long it's been since I've seen a puppy? Do you? I need a puppy! I need hot puppy breath on my face, kisses on my nose! I need to pet a furry fuzzball!"

Ben, to his credit, wisely stayed silent.

As soon as I got home, I demanded that we go to the puppy store (again, and immediately). Scarfing down dinner (I do have my priorities) I bounced impatiently until we got in the car to drive over there. The drive seemed to take an eternity, with Ben taking an extraordinary long time to dawdle with unnecessary things like stopping at red lights and trying to find a parking space. Rushing into the store, I stared in horror at the mass of chaos before me. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who wanted to pet a puppy. I was going to have to tackle twenty children and their idiotic parents to pet a puppy. Obviously, I was the most important person here. Priorities, people.

Flinging myself against the plastic cage windows, I ignored the tentacles of doubt curling in my tummy. Several puppies looked sad as they stared out of their wire and plastic prisons. Several were asleep. Several were energetically bouncing around and eager to come out and play. I scanned the windows, noting poodles, labs, shiz tzus, an abundant amount of Yorkies...but where were the Chihuahuas? They had promised me a Chihuahua.

"There he is!" Ben pointed to a tiny white Chihuahua nestled in a little girl's arms. "Why don't you ask her if you want to pet it?"

"I'll wait," I demurred, eyeing the little twit who was holding the only Chihuahua in the store. I am ashamed to say visions of tackling her or ripping the puppy out of her arms did occur to me. Instead, I distracted myself by cooing at a Alaskan snow dogs and envying his beautiful blue eyes.

"Look, honey!" Ben cried, knocking an elbow into my side. "The keeper's got the dog now! Go ask if you can hold it!" I made a beeline for the keeper, who handed over the tiny dog. And that's when it happened.

As soon as she handed me the tiny white Chihuahua, I felt a sense of peace come over me. The dog, no bigger than my palm, looked up at me adoringly. I held him to my chest, right underneath my collarbone, and he immediately snuggled into me. As I looked down at him in awe, his tiny head swiveled around and looked up at me.

"Hi baby," I cooed, ignoring the chaos swirling around me. "You're just as sweet as you can be, aren't you?"

The dog delicately reached up and licked my lips, once, twice, three times. Satisfied, he burrowed into my clasped hands and promptly fell asleep. As I stroked his tiny back, shivering as he sighed in happiness, I knew at that moment there was no other dog for me. This tiny creature had just cemented my fate to a lifetime of tiny Napoleonic dogs who would be forever mistaken by my father as an overgrown rat.

While my childhood dog of a Pug would always be dear to my heart (and I'll own one, don't worry about that) and my dream of a cocker spaniel like in Lady of the Tramp may never be realized, I knew that Chihuahuas would be prancing in my life and heart for many years. While Princess and Rascal have brought me great joy, love and delight, this minute canine stole my heart as no dog ever has as he lay breathing softly against it.

I suppose it only appropriate to thank the original white Chihuahua who won us over, Ace the Chihuahua. For although I had to give back the tiny sleeping dog, I know that I at least have one every time I go to Shreveport. Until then, I'll continue to ignore the now hollow feeling on my chest, and the lack of warm puppy breath against my cheek.

It won't be long until I have two Chihuahuas of my own.

The Victory

Cookies stared at the pink glasses that lay perched on a table before him.

"The magical rose colored glasses!"he whispered in awe. "We found them! And before Pumble and Hairy did!" He grinned smugly. The seals scowled and barked disapprovingly.

"Yes, yes, I know it's not nice," Cookies said impatiently. "You're right, we should quit dawdling and go get the glasses." Cookies began to walk towards the giant chair that sat in front of the table, but suddenly a large shadow crossed his path.

"Who goes there?" a loud voice boomed.

"I do," Cookies said in irritation. "Now get out of my way, you over sized pony!" A large stick horse wearing a golden crown stood in front of Cookies and the seals. The seals stared at him adoringly while Cookies glared and poked a wing into his long nose.

"Listen, pony," Cookies said, oblivious to the stick horse's growing irritation. "I need those rose-colored glasses, and I need them now. Now move."

"No," the stick horse said simply.

"Why not?" Cookies sighed heavily. He began to peek around the stick horse, hoping to find alternate routes to the desk. Unfortunately, the barren room left him with little options. He would simply have to convince the stick horse to let him through.

"Because I am the owner of the Rose Colored Glasses," the stick horse said, his voice full of importance. "They have been in my family for hundreds of years. Why should I give them to you, a total stranger?"

Cookies opened his mouth, then closed it. He turned and snapped at the excitedly chatting seals. "Shut up! I do too have a good reason!" He tapped a feather on his head as he tried to think.

"You jerk!" Hearing Pumble's squeal, Cookies sighed and turned around. "Won't you supposed to meet us in the middle of the hallway?"

"Well, we ran into a few unfriendly folks and decided to head this way," Pumble said, popping cereal into his mouth.

"Pumble made a bunch of the residents of the Other Side mad," Hairy said. "They tried to attack us, so we had to lock them in."

"They are friendly!" the stick horse protested. "We only attack if provoked. You must have frightened them."

Hairy looked at Pumble pointedly, who rolled his eyes. He turned to Cookies and said, "So what's going on?"

"This over-sized pony won't let me pass and get the glasses," Cookies scowled. Hairy turned and looked over his shoulder. "The glasses!" he cried. "They really exist!"

"All this for a pair of sunglasses?" Pumble muttered, rolling his eyes and popping more cereal in his mouth.

"These aren't just any sunglasses," the stick horse said. "These are ancient sunglasses that have been in my family for 10 generations. Why do you want the Rose glasses?"

"That's a lot of over sized ponies," Cookies muttered before saying loudly, "We are on a quest and we need these glasses."

"A quest? Really?" the stick horse looked impressed. "No one has gone on a quest in awhile."

"Well, we did," Pumble mumbled. "Can you give him the glasses now so we can go home? I'm starving."

The stick horse thought a moment, and then he smiled. "I tell you what," he said, grinning broadly. "I will let you"--he pointed to Cookies, "look through the glasses. If you like what you see, you can take them with you."

"Finally," Cookies huffed, flapping his wings and flying up to the table. He picked up the sacred Rose glasses and peered through them.

"Why does he get to wear the glasses?" Pumble griped. Ignoring him, Hairy and the seals watched Cookies eagerly. "What do you see?" Hairy called. After a few moments, Cookies sat the glasses down on the table and floated down to the ground. He walked up to the stick horse and stood before him. Instead of being snide, he shook patted him on the neck gravely.

"Thank you," he said. The stick horse nodded majestically and watched as Cookies began to walk out of the room. The others looked at each other, shrugged and followed.

"Wait!" Pumble panted, running after him in such a frenzy his cereal scattered all over the floor. "Why didn't you take the glasses?" Cookies shrugged and looked a bit embarrassed.

"What did you see?" Hairy asked him as he caught up to him. The seals listened eagerly.

"I saw"-- Cookies bit his lip before continuing. "I saw generations of elves, fairies, stick horses and enchanted toys of all kinds growing up. I saw them playing, eating, laughing. I saw words that floated through the air and music that made flowers appear out of nowhere. And I saw the stick horse, and how his life was dedicated to protecting those glasses. After that, it seemed like no quest was important enough to take that kind of magic from the Other Side."

Pumble looked impressed, and Hairy beamed with pride. "Cookies, I'm so"--

"But I could've if I wanted to," Cookies snapped, irritation back in his voice. "And that's what's important. Get the ducks and lets go home." Hairy rolled his eyes in amusement, exchanging knowing looks with the seals. Cookies wasn't as tough as he let on.

"Where are the ducks?" Cookies asked again. Hairy and Pumble looked around. "There!" Pumble shouted. They walked to the edge of the bathroom to see the three ducks from the spa arguing with three new ducks.

"Mine!" the first duck from the spa cried.
"Go away!" the second duck from the spa cried.
"Can't we all just get along?" the third duck from the spa asked tiredly.

"Mine! Mine! Mine!" the three new ducks quacked over and over again. As the quacks echoed in the bathroom, Hairy grinned.

"There's no place like home," he said, laughing.

The Quest continued...

At dawn, the animals in the Land of the Flowered Bed stood lined up at the dresser. Each had filled a small pillowcase with what they considered the absolute necessities. For the seals, that included cans of tuna and salmon and two water guns to keep themselves amused on the journey. For Pumble, his knapsack was stuffed with granola bars, gummy bears, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and mints for fresh breath. As Cookies inspected the rest of their knapsacks, he rolled his eyes but said nothing.

"We march!" Cookies bellowed as he waved a ruler he had duck-taped a broken eyeglass from a pair of sunglasses to.

"What is that?" Hairy asked in curiosity.

"This is my scepter with it's magical seeing eye," Cookies said, fluffing his chest up in importance.

"Right,"Pumble snorted. That's why it's got rhinestones across the eyepiece." The seals giggled, and Cookies narrowed his eyes at Pumble. He opened his mouth to retort when something else distracted him.

"What are you doing here?" he bellowed to the three ducks, who had left the Spa to come on the adventure.

"We're coming too!" the first duck said proudly, sticking out his feathered chest.

"How dare you leave us behind!" the second duck scolded with his bill in the air.

"Arrrrr maties!"the third pirate brandished a wire hanger at Cookies. When Cookies simply stared at him, he grinned sheepishly. "I know it's a bit feeble for a sword, but beggars can't be choosers mate." The seals pulled out their water guns and nodded in agreement.

The group set out down the Hallway of Despair. "Now, be careful," Cookies whispered as the crept down the Hallway. "The Hallway of Despair is right by the washer and dryer, so it is littered with dust bunnies."

"What could possibly be bad about dust bunnies?" Pumble asked, tearing open a bag of gummy bears as he walked. Ten minutes into the journey, and he was already hungry.

"Dust bunnies are the most wicked of creatures," Cookies said. "They will come and bounce on your nose, their fluffy tails sending dust flying in the air that settles on you. This dust is magical in that it can never be cleaned, so you sneeze for eternity. You essentially have a cold forever, and you must always carry a box of tissues with you because your nose and sinuses perpetually leak snot."

The seals, who had been excited about making friends with dust bunnies, decided to quietly follow behind the group. Soon they were out of the Hallway of Despair and into the Great Open Room. They all breathed a sigh of relief.

"What do we have to watch for here?" Hairy asked nervously as he waddled along. He had swaddled up his feet with socks to protect his sensitive toenails, and now looked liked a penguin when he walked.

"Nothing," Cookies said authoritatively. "Nothing can survive here. The land is all carpet and little dust. Nothing can grow or eat." Pumble reached down and grabbed a handful of carpet fuzz and popped it in his mouth. He grimaced and spit it out on one of the ducks, who quacked in protest.

"Ew!" the first duck squealed.
"Gross!" the second duck made a face.
"What did it taste like?" the third duck asked curiously.

"Sand," Pumble said, munching on a peanut butter sandwich.

"You really should conserve your rations," Hairy said gently. "You'll be hungry before we finish the quest."

"I'm sure there's some kind of grocery store around here," Pumble said confidently. "We're in the Land of the Flowered Bed, after all!"

"They don't have anything," Cookies said over his shoulder. "Save your food." Hairy looked at Pumble sympathetically, who shoved the rest of the sandwich in his mouth defensively. He stuck his jelly covered tongue out at Cookies and continued shuffling behind the group.

After they left the Great Open, they hopped across a rainbow that crossed the Brown Stone River that took them across to the Other Side safely. The seals wanted to play in the river, but Hairy held them tightly in his arms so they couldn't wiggle away. The seals were not happy.

Finally, the reached the bank of the other side and stood in awe. Three different rooms and three different paths lay before them.

"Which way do we go?" Hairy asked.

"The way where there's food," Pumble grumbled.

"This is how we're going to do it," Cookies bellowed bossily. "The ducks from the spa will go check out the middle path. Hairy and Pumble will check out the left path. The seals and I will check out the right path. Then we'll all meet back here and talk about which way to go. Deal?"

"Deal," they all chorused. They all split up in different directions and hopped off to their chosen room.

"This room is boring," Pumble grumbled as he and Hairy crept to an open doorway. "We should name it the Boring Room and we'll give it a grey flag, for the national symbol of dullness."

"I'm sure there's nice things in here," Hairy said kindly as they crept inside. He smacked Pumble in his robust chest and pointed. "Look at that giant red thing over there! That must be a volcano!"

"And those boxes must be a space center of some kind," Pumble said excitedly. "They have a launch pad and everything!"

Hairy gasped and clutched Pumble's arm. "Pumble look!" Pumble turned the direction Hairy was pointing and gasped. "Aliens!" A furry stuffed dog and three strange looking ladies were staring at them and waving their arms. Hairy couldn't tell if they were saying hello or telling them to go away.

"Excuse me," Pumble called, "Do you have any food?" Suddenly, the creatures began to run toward Pumble and Hairy.

"Well, how rude," Pumble griped as Hairy jerked his arm. "Run!" They took off running out of the room, slamming the door shut behind them.

Meanwhile, the ducks had headed off down the middle path. When they reached the doorway, they gasped in delight.

"A new pond!" the first one cried.
"Just for us!" the second one cheered.
"I don't think they think so," the third one warned, pointing to three ducks who were peering down at them from the edge of the bathtub.

"Let's get them!" the first duck said, running into the bathroom.
"We shall overtake the strange pond!" the second duck cried, following after him.
The third duck shrugged. "Why not?" he thought. He ran after his two friends.

While the ducks battled it out with the Other ducks, Cookies and the seals had reached the doorway of the third room.

"Someone needs to learn the term decorating," Cookies said snarled as he surveyed the barren landscape behind him. "And wall color." The seals began to squeal and point as they hopped up and down.

"What is your problem?" Cookies snapped as he tried to see what they were pointing at. "Is it true? Could it be?"

Cookies took a few steps closer and gasped. "It is true!" he cried happily. "We've found the Rose glasses!"

To be continued..............

Eureka!

I just thought of a brilliant quote to explain why I sound so much more intelligent through writing than speaking:

“The words that come from my mind and my mouth come from two entirely separate entities.”

They're back!

"Excuse me?" Cookies called loudly, trying to settle the chattering seals. "Hello? Can we get started?"

"You can't blame them for being excited," Hairy smiled indulgently. "They've been cooped up all summer."

"And whose fault is that?" Cookies scoffed, visibly exasperated. "I told you to keep them entertained when I went off on my semester abroad.

"You just went to the Guest Room," Hairy rolled his eyes. "It's not like you went to England or anything."

"My passport won't let me get that far!" Cookies snapped. "Besides, Pumble is the one who went on a month-long flower tour with his girlfriend."

"Ladybug is not my girlfriend and it was only three weeks and six days," Pumble said defensively. "You're just jealous you didn't get to see the Field of Giant Sunflowers."

"You wouldn't know a sunflower if it bit you," Cookies muttered.

"Flowers don't bite!" Pumble shot back, not being able to resist adding, "Dummy."

"Hey, hey, hey," Hairy said, stepping between them as Cookies launched toward Pumble. "Now listen, we've all had a busy summer and we've kind of dropped off the face of the Earth. Cookies has something that's going to bring us all together though and kick the year off right."

"It is something I learned on my sabbatical," Cookies trilled arrogantly. He narrowed his eyes at Pumble and said, "I actually learned something." Pumble stuck his tongue out at Cookies and lumbered over to the seals, who were still chatting excitedly.

"So how was your summer?" he asked. The seals exploded into squeals and barks, and Pumble listened carefully. "Really, Antarctica?" he asked. "Were the ducks in the Spa ok with that?" The ducks, who were eavesdropping as they paddled about the bathtub in the Spa, erupted in indignant quacks.

"No, we weren't," the first duck sniffed.

"Imagine the nerve of them, trying to steal our spa to turn it into some barren wasteland," sniffed the second duck.

"I thought it was quite clever, actually," the third duck said bashfully. "No one else thought to dump loads of ice cubes into a bathtub to create glaciers." The other two ducks glared at him.

"Hear ye, hear ye!" Cookies bellowed, drawing everyone's attention to him as he extended his wings broadly. "I have an announcement to make! I have come up with a brilliant plan."

Pumble rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. Hairy elbowed him. The seals looked up adoringly.

"We, the animals of the Land of the Flowered Bed"--Cookies paused dramatically--"Will go on a adventure."

The animals looked up at him in confusion. The ducks in the Spa were the first to fire questions at him.

"What kind of adventure?" the first duck quacked.

"How are we going to get there?" the second duck asked.

"Can we be pirates?" the third duck queried hopefully. The other ducks looked at him. "Pirates?" they asked in unison.

"Very good, duckie," Cookies grumbled, obviously distraught the third duck had caught on. "We're going on a treasure hunt."

This announcement set off another series of questions, and Cookies held up his hand to quiet them.

"We're searching for the Rose Sunglasses," he said loudly, flapping his wings to get their attention. "These sunglasses belong to the Girl, and are reported to make the wearer see all the happy and hidden things on Earth. For example, these glasses show you all the mysterious creatures that still lurk about, like unicorns or mermaids."

"How did you find out about these?" Hairy asked.

"I'm brilliant, of course," Cookies said smugly.

"If we have to sit here much longer, can I have some popcorn?"

The seals hopped up and down and barked excitedly. Cookies looked annoyed at their question.
"I don't know where it is!" he snapped. "That's why we have to find it!"

"When are we going to leave?" Hairy asked, pen poised to write it down in his calender.

"Tomorrow at dawn." Cookies spoke formally, delighted at the frenzy that erupted in front of him.

"Tomorrow?" squawked the first duck. "What will we do?"

"What will I wear?" panicked the second duck.

"Does this eye patch look good on me?" the third duck asked, posing with his best pirate face.

The seals clapped and jumped in approval, and the third duck bowed.

"Tomorrow at dawn," Cookies said ominously. "Until then."

To be continued....................

Princess dreams

As the Blonde Duck of the Pond, I've decided I want to be a princess.

Not just any princess mind you--Sleeping Beauty. Ever since I was four, I've had a huge fascination with Sleeping Beauty. When I was little, I had a little kitchen set that was essentially a big plastic cart with a fake stove and oven. Some of my happiest memories are playing with my kitchen and plethora of My Little Ponies scattered across the living room with Sleeping Beauty playing in the background. Even now, that DVD is the first thing I pop in to watch if I've had a bad day.

For some reason I don't understand, my husband actually buys into the idea I'm a princess. He has been blinded by my fairy godmother's spell and actually thinks I'm a delicate, elegant and dainty creature. While it's true I love to twirl about and talk to baby animals, I am not elegant. All anyone has to do is watch me eat to know that. However, I have several of the requirements necessary of anyone worthy to don a tiara:

1) Blond- Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood, the original Little Mermaid, the orginal Beauty (Hans Christian Anderson, people!)

2) Love of baby animals-- Snow White charmed birds. Sleeping Beauty enchanted tiny woodland creatures. Cinderella had her mice. I have puppies, baby birds and any stray creature fortunate enough to stumble along my path (bats included.)

3) Sweet- My mom and husband said it so it's not bragging.

4) Dainty- The nurse at the hospital in Waco called me dainty when I was sick and in crazy mode from being surrounded by the private school anorexics for too long, and I've never forgotten it. I'm dainty!

5) Compassion- Although I may have an acid tongue when it comes to certain political subjects, it's in my nature to try and rescue everyone. Dang it.

6) Generosity- I'm more generous with those I love and people I view to be kind than just "anyone." Unfortunately, a year in the world of media has taught me that some people I show generosity just take advantage of me and stab me in the back. But of course, a real princess would not dwell on such things.

7) Class- You never see Cinderella on a reality T.V. show screaming how Prince Charming cheated on her with her transsexual step-sister. It's called class, people. Not trash.

8) Desire to make the world a better place- One of these days, I will have my singles table at a restaurant, a puppy farm and a way to inspire creativity in children.

9) Married or engagedto a prince- He thinks I'm royalty. He wins!

10) Loyalty- A princess should have loyalty to her family, her country and her duties as a princess. I have all three, although my duties as a princess are quite flexible depending on my mood (doing the dishes is not one of them.)

Princess qualities I do not have:

1) Singing- I sound worse than a cat being drug down the highway with his tail stuck in the car door.

2) Elegance- I can eat a 1/2 pound hamburger drenched in mayonnaise, barbecue sauce, grated cheddar cheese and plenty of grease in a minute and thirty seconds. And have you never seen me attempt to walk in any heel higher than a inch? Put a giraffe on stilts and you'll get the same impression.

3) A real title- It's real in my mind! I really have a castle somewhere, I promise.

4) Grace- It's not my fault that all my dancing consists of mindless wiggling.

5) Spoiled- Wait a minute....

Since I'm not spoiled or demanding in the very least, my darling mother has volunteered to make me a Sleeping Beauty costume like the one I had when I was four for Halloween! I am so excited! I'm going to wear it to work, on Halloween, on Easter, on Christmas.....to be a princess, one must look the part, you see.

Until then, I will go about twirling my way around work and lifting my skirts as I climb the stairs, talking softly to the crickets and spiders I pass. A girl has to start somewhere to create her kingdom!

Catching

Walking out the door, I saw a small girl with white ringlets running around my front yard with a butterfly net. Wearing only pink- pink shoes, a pink dress, pink bow--she would stand quietly in the center of the yard. Her eyes would follow something I couldn't see. Slowly she would walk up whatever creature she was chasing and throw her net over it, clasping the net closed at the top so the creature couldn't escape. Then, she would place a jar in the net and usher the creature inside, screwing the lid on tightly. Dozens of jars lined the driveway, and I walked over to her.

"What are you doing?" I asked curiously. She shushed me and held a finger to her lips, her tongue sticking out as she concentrated on something in front of her. Slowly, she reached for her net. In one quick swoop, she flung it down to the ground.

"Missed him!" she cursed. "Darn it!" Raising an eyebrow, I watched the curious blond girl creeping around my front yard.

"What are you trying to catch?" I asked, peering at the empty jars. "I don't see anything in there."

"That's because you're not looking," the girl said, as she inspected the tree closely. "If you would look, you'd see something."

I looked at the jars again. Nothing. "I still don't see anything," I said, smiling politely. This child was crazy.

"You're not looking," the girl repeated in a sing-song voice. "If you would look, you could see."

"There's nothing there," I said, losing my temper. "I looked twice!"

"That's because you're trying to see it," the girl said, undisturbed by my frustration. "You have to look for it and want to see it. You just can't see it."

"Right," I muttered, nudging one of the jars with my foot. "Look but not see. Whatever!"

"Don't touch that!" the girl gasped, running over and clutching her jaw. "This is a good one!"

"A good what?"

"Idea."

I stared at her dumbfounded.

"An idea? There's an idea in that jar." The blond girl sighed and shook her head. "Of course there's an idea in there. They're all ideas."

"What does an idea look like?" I asked curiously, staring more intently at the glass jars. All I could see was my own reflection in the glass.

"It depends from idea to idea," the blond girl said loftily. "The good ones look like shimmering butterflies made from pink stardust or a delicate flower. The bad ones can look like a frog or a pile of squiggling worms."

"What about the mediocre ones?" I asked, fascinated. "They look like cheese," the girl answered decisively. She continued to creep around the yard, clutching her net. Staring at the jars, I sighed.

"I don't see them," I sighed. "How do you see them?" The blond girl sighed and sat up from staring through the grass blades. "I look," she said simply. "There's a lot of things that exist in our every day life that people can't see. Particularly adults. But you can see them if you look at them. You just have to be free."

"Free?" I asked in horror.

"Free," she repeated, smiling at me. "Haven't you ever had an idea that was so brilliant that you were filled with passion and fire and wanted to fly throughout the clouds and never touch the ground?"

"Yes, several times," I responded.

"That's free," the girl said, picking at a slug on the sidewalk. "So just think of that idea and you can look, not see." I squeezed my eyes and thought to myself. When I opened them, the jars were bursting with magnificent and ordinary creatures.

"Oh my gosh!" I cried, clutching my chest. "I saw them, I saw them!" The child smiled and I watched as she continued to pounce around my yard.

"What do you do with all these ideas?" I asked, looking at the crowded jars littering my driveway.

"Keep them," the girl said.

"Why are you going to keep them? I asked. She looked up at me, her big blue eyes drilling into my face.

"There's never a bad idea, just poor delivery," she said, with a smile. And with that, she returned to her butterfly net, catching ideas under the late summer sky.

Mysterious Creature Sighting 2

This mysterious creature in the bush fascinates me. You see, at first even I was a bit skeptical. It must be the wind, I thought. Your imagination is acting up again. It's a cricket or locus, just a slight of fancy.

Oh no. This thing is REAL. The only question we have to answer is what is the mysterious creature? I have four theories on the subject, all which have different supporting evidence. This is what we know in general so far:

1) The mysterious creature has moved to a new set of bushes closer to the boats.
2) Sometimes a strange rotting/ ripe trash smell accompanies the rustling the creature makes.
3) Even when you throw a multitude of things at the creature (shoes, rocks, sticks, Spaz's shoes) it never emerges or moves. So it has a lot of self control or it's just either dumb. Either one could work.


Theory 1: A mouse

There are several reasons I think it could be a mouse family, or even a bachelor mouse. One, the bushes are quite low to the ground and surrounded by tall brush that is about two feet tall. There's a large field behind my work building, so they could get plenty of food if they traveled across the parking lot to get to it.

Biggest supporting evidence: I once saw a brown blur near my foot that scampered into the grass and disappeared. It was about four or five inches long and about the size of a hot dog bun. It looked fuzzy and made little scurrying noises.

Theory 2: A snake

Now, I do not like snakes. These loathsome venomous creatures fall into my same mental category as alligators and sharks, who I would have no problem extinguishing from the planet. Food chain be damned--you can't tell me the world would not be better without nasty snakes and alligators who eat puppies. Anyway, the brush is tall enough for a snake and the bushes would be a perfect cool, dark spot.

On the side of our parking lot is lots of tall trees and bushes which could provide another hiding spot. The only problem is the snake would have to slither across a parking lot, open field, a parking lot and open sidewalk and through a bunch of machines. Would a snake really be hanging out with all those people and cars around? Regardless, I won't be sticking my hand in the brush or bush to investigate any time soon.

Theory 3: A family of birds

For some reason, these bushes attract birds more than an air-conditioned birdbath. The bushes are dense enough to hide nests, but loose enough for birds to crawl in and out of. The brush holds plenty of tasty bugs and the rain floods out several earthworms from the thin soil during the rain. However, my most compelling reason is the fact that a dove couple is very protective around the edge of the bushes. Perhaps the baby doves are simply rustling to tell me hello and show off their silky brown coats.

Theory 4: A puppy

Fine, don't even listen to me. Yes, I know it's not logical. Yes, I know I'm cracking up. You know, I had a good point but now I'm not going to tell you. So there.


Mysterious creature updates to continue..................

Work Conversations 2

The fun continues at The Pond at work..... For clarification purposes, my paranoid-about-people-knowing-her-nickname-online friend, "Spaz" often characterizes herself as a big fluffy cat. I, as a blond lunatic who characterizes herself as a blond duck, characterizes herself as a Chihuahua who wears a big pink bow, known as the pink Chihuahua in many conversations. Confused yet? You should be. Enjoy, Invisible Friends!

The Blonde Duck (9:30 a.m.) : The pink-bow Chihuahua growls.

Spaz (9:36 a.m.) : The fluffy cat sighs in French and lays her head on her paws. “Le sigh”.

The Blonde Duck (9:44 a.m.) : The pink-bowed Chihuahua looks longingly at the open door and plots her escape.

Spaz (9:46 a.m.) : The fluffy black cat turns over in her sleep, not knowing of her chihuahua friend’s plan.

The Blonde Duck (9:51 a.m.) : The pink-bowed Chihuahua wiggles in excitement. She begins to bounce up and down on her friend like a trampoline. Her plans of escape momentarily forgotten, she bellows, “I have an article you need to read!” (includes link to article in E-mail.)

Spaz (2:58 p.m.) : The pink chihuahua sniffed at the strange object that lay before her. “I don’t think I like this,” she thought to herself. She pushed the thing with her tiny pink nose and sniffed at it again as it made a horrible twang and screeching noise. She barked angrily as the sharp twang pierced through her ears and rattled the tiny bell on her collar.
“It’s a violin,” mewed the fluffy black cat as she turned about on her sill. “A violin?” asked the Chihuahua, “I don’t like violins.”

The Blonde Duck (3:05 p.m.) : “In fact,” the pink Chihuahua announced as she kicked away the offending musical instrument with her back feet, “I don’t like anything new or different. And I really don’t like new people.” She growled at the new dogs that sat in other other cages. The fluffy cat rolled her eyes and stretched lazily. “Try to talk to them. You might like them.” The pink Chihuahua sighed and drug herself over to the cage holding the prim greyhound. She would do anything for her feline friend. “Do you like pink?” she asked the greyhound hopefully, desperate for some kind of common thread. She really wanted to get along with people, deep in her tiny Chihuahua heart. She couldn’t help that most of the people she meant were rude idiots.

“No,” the greyhound sniffed. “I prefer Chardonnay and reading Tolstoy.” The pink Chihuahua growled and barked loudly. “Pretentious puppy!” she shouted angrily. She haughtily pranced back to her fluffy friend, who was basking in the sunlight delicately munching on some cheese. “I don’t like her,” she growled. “I noticed,” the fluffy cat said in an amused tone. The pink Chihuahua’s dislike only grew as several other dogs lumbered over to assist the greyhound with a problem in her cage. Her tiny ears slicked back and she barred her tiny sharp teeth. “I really don’t like her,” she growled to her friend. “ I noticed,” the fluffy cat replied.


Spaz (3:15 p.m.) :“Here,” the cat stretched out her paw with a chunk of cheese. The pink chihuahua rushed over to the morsel and sniffed it before quickly snatching it with her tiny teeth. “You shouldn’t tryyyyy so hard,” she purred as she stretched across her sill, “you should just relaaaaaaax and let things come naturally.” “What do you mean?” asked the chihuahua who’s mouth was now full of cheese and drool, “I AM relaxed!” “Of course you are,” yawned the cat, “of course you are.”

The Blonde Duck (3:27 p.m.) : As the fluffy cat began to doze on the sun-warmed windowsill, the pink Chihuahua decided that now would be the perfect time to try and bake a pie. She had always wanted to bake a pie, and why not now? Work was so trivial and dull. There were much more exciting things in life to be done! She began to investigate the refrigerator. She would open the door, select a Tupperware dish, run to the windowsill where she would deposit it in front of the sleeping fluffy cat. “Guard this,” she ordered bossily.

On and on, she ran from the refrigerator to the windowsill, selecting her key pie ingredients. When she dropped the final dish on the floor, she gasped in alarm. All the Tupperware had been opened and the contents had either obviously been nibbled on or were gone completely.

“What--?” she cried out. The fluffy cat merely licked her face and burped. Smiling sheepishly, she shrugged. “Yum?”

Spaz (3:33 p.m.) : “Will you bring out some milk next?” the cat asked. “All of your treats have left me quite thirsty."

The Blonde Duck (3:45 p.m.) : Grumbling, the pink Chihuahua pranced off to the fridge and brought back a bowl full of milk, leaving a white trail of droplets behind her. She placed it on ground with her teeth with a loud thump! Milk sloshed over the edge of the bowl and splashed onto the cat’s paws. When the pink Chihuahua saw the fluffy cat’s horrified expression as she desperately tried to clean her paws, she laughed. “ I never said I was graceful,” the pink Chihuahua grinned.

E-mail Converation

My buddy at work who requests to remain nameless (referred to as Spaz below) and I spend most of our days at work peppering our droll days with e-mail conversations. As Spaz is a fan of her characterization at the Pond, she began to to refer to herself in third person as "the girl with black pigtails." What follows is an account of our joint tale in a e-mail medium.

Spaz: “I will,” said the girl with the black pig tails. “I will go on a walk with you!” 3:30

The Blonde Duck: Can you do 3:20? I have to do a phone call at 3:30.

Spaz: “I miss the quiet,” the girl with the black pigtails said as she shoved her earphones into her ears…and sighed.

The Blonde Duck: As the girl with black pigtails sighed and grumbled quietly, the spry girl with white blond ringlets climbed her desk like a monkey and began to jump up and down on top of her computer. “I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!” she screamed. When it lay in pieces around her, she smiled in satisfaction, delicately sat in her chair and began to eat a cookie.

Spaz: The girl with black pigtails’ sighs were interrupted when she heard the “oo-oo-oos” of a monkey in the building. Peering over her cube wall she discovered that it was not a monkey after all, but the last bits of sanity escaping from her friend as she destroyed her desk with pounding feet and slurred howls. They both smiled devilishly as the desk crumbled and the girl with black pigtails licked her teeth in amusement.

The Blonde Duck: As the blond girl filled up a old barrel she found from the warehouse with water from a leaky hose, the girl with the black pigtails tried to recollect when her last tetanus shot was.

Spaz: You know her so well!

Fuzzy Velcro Bunnies

By Sunday, the fuzzy velcro bunnies had taken over the house.

"What are you going to name all of them?" Ben asked, watching in amusement. I was too distracted by the tiny masses of wiggling fur to answer right away.

"This one is Fluffy, this one is Kitty, this one is Nutmeg," I said, pointing to the three bunnies attached to my back, wiggling their noses in excitement. "This one is Sweet pea," I indicated the one residing on my chest. "And this one is Tiffany." I pointed to the pure white rabbit residing on my shoulder. Tiffany gave a regal nod to Ben before thrusting her nose haughtily in the air.

"Why Tiffany?" Ben asked. "Because she thinks she's better than everyone else and climbed to the top," I answered with a wry grin. Laughing, he watched as I flounced around the house doing chores. As I bent to mop the floor, Sweet pea gracefully jumped onto my head, settling in amongst my hair as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Fluffy, Kitty and Nutmeg, however, had aligned themselves on my shoulders so I looked like a blond demented scarecrow.

"They just sit there?" Ben asked, flabbergasted. "They don't, you know, fall off?"

"Nope," I said, as the bunnies shook their heads. Fluffy sniffed loudly, as though she was too elegant of a bunny to fall to the ground.

As I put the mop up, the bunnies rearranged themselves on my back and shoulders. Nutmeg took his position in the middle of my back, having appointed himself my unofficial security guard.

"How do they stay on there?" Ben asked in awe as I reached behind my back to give them some carrots.

"Their paws and bellies are sticky, so they can stick to any kind of surface at any angle," I explained, holding my hand out flat as the tiny noses tickled my fingers. "Hey!" I cried, trying to turn around to look at my back. "Don't get orange stains on my shirt!" Tiffany stuck her nose in my ear and sneezed, obviously angry she didn't get her carrot first.

"All right, all right," I grumbled, wiping pathetically at my ear with my shoulder. "I'll get your damn carrot you high maintenance rabbit."

Sweetpea squeaked in protest as Ben lifted her paw and stroked her tiny foot. "Hey!" he cried in amazement. "Their paws aren't sticky...they're more like velcro."

"Their paws change according to what surface they're on," I explained, feeding a annoyed Sweetpea and Tiffany carrots. "For example, if you put Tiffany on the table, her paws would feel like rubber."

Tiffany grunted in protest as Ben lifted her off my shoulder and placed her on the table. After she got settled, he lifted up her paw. "It does feel like rubber!" he whispered in wonder, lifting Tiffany up and setting her on his shoulder. "This is so cool. I bet you're thrilled."

"I am," I said joyfully as I continued my rounds around the house, the four bunnies clinging to my every move. "After all, the only thing better than baby animals is baby animals you can take with you everywhere." The rabbits nodded in agreement and asked for another carrot. It was clear they had taken over my now orange-stained shirt as well.

Lunch time

A small blond girl with white wispy ringlets and a girl with thick black pigtails and red apple cheeks sat at the table in the lunch room. They pulled out their paper sacks and carefully laid out their feasts: 2 sandwiches, an apple for the blond and a peach for the dark haired girl and two cookies.

"What's your sandwich?" the dark haired girl asked the other girl.

"Turkey, ham, cheese and mayonnaise," the blond girl answered, spewing crumbs as she beamed. "I love mayonnaise."

The dark haired girl delicately took a bite of her sandwich and wrinkled her nose. "I hate mayonnaise. I like Tabasco sauce."

"What's that?" the blond girl tore off another bite of sandwich and looked up expectantly, waiting for answer.

"It's like spicy ketchup," the dark hair girl said, sprinkling the Tabasco over her sandwich. "Want some?"

The blond girl pulled her sandwich away and shook her head. "What's your sandwich?"

"Turkey, cheese and avocado." The blond girl nodded, wondering what an avocado was. It sounded exotic. She didn't like things that were exotic.

They ate, enjoying each other's company in the comfortable silence. The blond girl wolfed down her sandwich and bit into her apple ferociously. The dark hair girl delicately finished half of her sandwich, saving the other half for later. She then took small bites of her peach, gently sucking out the juice so it didn't dribble down her chin.

"You know what?" the blond girl said, tiny flecks of apple spewing from her smiling mouth.

"What?" The dark haired girl smiled. She wasn't disgusted by her friend's crude table manners, she was amused.

"You're my bestest friend," the blond girl said, quickly patting the other girls hand before jerking it away again. She turned bright red as she looked down at the table, concentrating on clutching her apple.

The dark hair girl smiled and patted the blond girls arm in a comforting gesture. "You're my bestest friend," she said, her dark eyes shining. "Well at school anyway. I have a bestest friend at home too. But you're my bestest school friend."

The blond girl's dark blue eyes sparkled in happiness. She'd never had a bestest friend before, even if it was a bestest school friend. She looked outside at the bright sunshine, and decided her cookie could wait.

"Do you wanna play hide and seek before we eat our cookies?"

"Sure," the girl said, carefully putting her wrapped cookie in her bag. The blond girl shoved her bag into her backpack and flew outside. "Meet you there!"

For an hour, they laughed and talked as they basted in the hot sunshine. When the sweat began to run down their backs and pool on their scalp, they knew it was time to go. Climbing in the car, they drove back to work. In silence, they parked and walked into the building slowly, dreading the moment they reached the door. For once they reached the door, the joy would be gone. At least, until lunch time came again.

A mysterious being

There is a boat repair place behind the building where I work. On my daily walks, I pass the parking lot full of boats, weeds and various stray dogs. Normally, my walks are pretty dull and consist of important activities such as daydreaming, cloud gazing and searching for my ever elusive butterflies. However, lately I've had a much more important task at hand: The Quest to find the Mysterious Beast.

The Mysterious Beast lives in the overgrown sunflowers and weeds that clutter the far left corner of the boat lot behind the tall chain link fence. Among abandoned trailers and sheds stuffed with rusty parts and old buckets, a group of sunflowers and tall green weeds entwined with a large green bush have staked out their claim.

Normally, the bush is still when I walk past it. However, every day for the past week the bush had shuddered and shaken the moment I pass.

Thinking it must be a stray kitten or dog, I threw a few rocks into the bush. Nothing. The bush remained still. It was only when I began to walk past that it would shake violently again, as if a creature was escaping.

For the last three days, I've repeated this process with no avail. No matter how many rocks I throw or crackers I leave outside the fence, the Mysterious Beast will not emerge. Shouting doesn't startle it, sticks can't find it and the barbed wire strung across the fence prevents me from climbing over and telling the Mysterious Beast exactly what I think of it's rude manners. If you're going to shake and shiver at me, at least have the cajones to show yourself.

While I search for ways to find the Beast, I've been trying to figure out what it could possibly be. Is it a mother cat hiding her kittens? Is it a confused squirrel who thinks the bush is a tree? Is it a toad or frog seeking refuge from the sun and boat lot workers with large trucks?

Perhaps it's something really mystical, like a fairy or gnome. No matter what it is, I won't rest until I flush out the Mysterious Beast. It's only a matter of time.

Bellydancing Queen

Bellydancing +Greek food= 1 Happy Blonde Duck!

Last Friday, Ben took me to a restaurant he'd gone to with his co-workers called It's Greek to Me. Not a connoisseur of Greek food, I was expecting essentially a hamburger with cucumber laced mayonnaise in a fat tortilla. What I got however was the experience of a lifetime.

"Come on," the Invisible Friends cry impatiently. "Quit all this foreshadowing dramatic crap and get on with the tale!"

If you say so.

Stepping into the restaurant, a menu with tiny stick on plastic letters and ancient posters advertising gyros from the 1980s lined the wallpapered covered walls. Small tables were scattered throughout the room and covered with plastic tablecloths and folded up paper towels for napkins. The restaurant was straight out of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." I liked the place already.

A tall thin man with a heavy accent instructed us to sit down as his wife bustled around the kitchen, cooking. We were handed a menu featuring a photo of him and his wife and given drinks.

When I opened the menu and saw spinach pies for appetizers, I almost died in happiness. I hadn't had a spinach pie since my mother and I frequented Olga's at the mall in the fourth grade. After 13 years of longing for the tasty combination of spinach, cheese and flaky pastry, I was long overdue for a spinach pie. So of course, I ordered one and a gyro.

The spinach pie was flaky, tasty and perfect. It was over too soon, and even tearing through the gyro like a deranged hyena left me longing for more. As I contemplated the repercussions of ordering another spinach pie, a tall blond woman dressed in a long blue velvet cloak and carrying a golden sword walked through the door.

"Oh my God," Ben groused under his breath. "It's one of those Harry Potter freaks!"

"No," I argued, my eyes shining in excitement. "It's a bellydancer!"

The woman sat down at a table across the restaurant and thumbed through a book of CDs. Pushing play, she shed her cloak and began to wriggle and writhe across the room in a beaded bustier and long skirt. Even in her early 50s, she had the grace and agility that some of us never achieve.

I watched her in rapt attention as Ben stared at her openly. "You're not going to go up there and dance with her, are you?" he asked in terror. I could see him imagining my overexcited hips knocking plates off tables and forever banning us from the delicious restaurant.

I put his worries at ease by smiling and saying, "If she asks me to, sure!" His eyes bugged out in fear. The woman began to ask women around the restaurant to dance, starting with an older woman and then pulling a young pregnant woman and me up to the open floor. I was so excited to dance I knocked my umbrella and purse, sending them flying across the floor and Ben jumping to retrieve them. It was worth it. I got to dance.

The woman showed me how to slither and wiggle across the floor seductively, her hips moving like liquid waves. Ignoring everyone around us, I concentrated on copying her moves perfectly. When the song was over and all the diners (all 7 of them) applauded, she gave me and the pregnant woman a brochure and recommended we take a beginning class.

Floating home, I immediately turned the TV to the exercise channel and began to perfect my bellydancing moves, much to Ben's amusement.

"So you really like bellydancing?"

"I love it!" I said, my eyes shining as I plastered the brochure to his face. "Look! I could take lessons and quit my job and become a professional bellydancer!"

Ben looked over the brochure and grinned at me. "Do you want to take lessons for your birthday?"

I wiggled in pure excitement and joy. Not only do I have a new food obsession, but I'm going to be a professional bellydancer (after zero lessons too)! Watch for me to wiggle your way! I'll be the goofy looking blond in the pink sparkles.